10. How Many Sexual Partners You’ve Really Had
Of course your proud of how many chicks you’ve bagged in your day, you’re ugly as sin. But when your girl asks you how many partners you’ve had, it’s not smart to go into detail with all the drunken hook-ups and one night stands. It’s routine to talk about this with your buddies, but when your girl asks you this question, try to cut the number down by at least 5, because she is going to tack on 10 to whatever you say anyway. No matter how cool your girl is, if you tell her you’ve slept with 85 girls she is going to always think your a dirty man.
9.Where Your Money Really Goes
It’s always a a mystery to a girl when you tell her how much you make a year and then when you go out to eat you direct her not to even look at the seafood page. Don’t tell your girl that you just bought the new Madden for $60, or two tickets to the Giants game for $300. When you start telling her about all the dumb shit your buying she is going to expect you to start buying her things. So keep your purchase of that throwback John Stockton jersey a secret.
8. Parental Dependancy
It’s not a bad thing when mom helps you with a bill here and there. It is a bad thing when she is paying your rent, car payment, cellphone, and credit cards and you tell your girl about it. You think its cute telling her your mom is so sweet and she helps you out, which is the cutest I get it. When your girl hears this though, all she thinks about is how big of a loser you are that you can’t pay your bills on your own. She then starts thinking “How is this idiot going to support me when he can’t support himself.” Be smart, don’t tell your girl about the $50 dollar allowance your mom still gives you.
7. Your Weakness and Fears
Women are demons sent from below to rip your heart out and destroy you mentally. So when you tell your sweet heart that you’re claustrophobic and scared to fly, at the first sign of weakness she will stuff you in a box and put you on a flight to Cambodia. When you let your girl know what scares you she will use that against you. So play the Ironman role and make sure she knows that nothing scares you, YOU HAVE NO WEAKNESS.
6. Bathroom Activities
It’s always funny to rip a little fart here and there, maybe a dutch oven at times. What isn’t funny is when you always announce to your girl you just blasted diarrhea all over the bathroom walls. There is no need to give a play by play on how your shit came out every time. You might get a chuckle here and there and it’s good that you feel that comfortable with your girl, but newsflash guys, girl’s think all that is disgusting no matter what. So when everyday she gets a run down on your bowel movements she is going to get turned off by you real quick.
5. Your Friend’s Moral Shortcomings
This is a major mistake many guy’s make. They think their girl is one of the guys, and you tell them the story about your married friend Ron who got a blowjob in an Atlantic City bathroom stall by a prostitute and busted all over her face. Which is a golden story to you and your guy friends, it is the opposite to your girl. Do you think she she is going to be excited when you tell her you’re just going out for drinks with Ron, a guy who cheats on his wife and gets blowjobs from prostitutes? When you tell your lady about your friends disgusting, but hilarious, moral shortcomings, you’re really just cutting yourself off from hanging out with them without her.
4. Your Masturbation Routine
Masturbation, it’s a normal thing and guys do it all the time, regardless if you have a girlfriend or not. What you do not need to do is let your girl know about how many times you tug the ole jimmy. When you let your girl know you spank it 2 times a day she will immediately feel inadequate, and think she is not pleasing you sexually. I could be getting laid by Megan Fox daily and I’m still going to crank one out from time to time, it’s science, but I’m not going to let Megan know, no no, to her I haven’t masturbated the whole time we’re together, and that kids, is positive lying.
3. Your Cheating Past
Most guy’s have cheated on a girlfriend at some point in their life, maybe just a drunk make out at a frat party, or maybe Brazilian prostitutes every Tuesday and Thursday at the Clarion hotel room 305 at 8:00 after work (I swear this isn’t what I used to do when we were together Michelle…..not). Anyway the point is those two circumstances are the same in a woman’s mind, cheating is cheating. So when you break the news to your girlfriend that your past 10 relationships ended because you got caught cheating, it’s not going to sit well with your girl, no matter how much you say you changed. You know the golden saying, “Once a cheater always a cheater.” So turn the tables and say those relationships ended because you always got cheated on, that will get you some sympathy points.
2. Your Ex-Girlfriend Memorabilia
99% of the cool shit you have is from ex-girlfriends, because Christmas and birthdays you really just tell them what you want and they get it for you, pretty nice concept. One thing that is not cool though is when you let your girl know all the things from ex-girlfriends. “See that flat screen T.V., this Rolex, and this German Shepard, yea my ex-girlfriend got me all this, she was awesome.” Now every time your girl walks into your apartment she is constantly thinking you still care about your ex, or else you would get rid of the stuff she got you. So don’t be an idiot unless you want your T.V., Rolex, and dog on the side of the road waiting to be picked up by the garbage man.
1. Ex-Girlfriend Memories
Would you like to hear about everything that reminds your girl of her ex-boyfriend. Absolutely not, so when something reminds you of your ex keep that shit to yourself, this is America god damn it, you gotta bottle that shit up. If you keep telling your ex memories to your girl she will think you’re still hung up on her. She will then wonder why you aren’t still with her if she was so great. Then you will have to tell her that you told your ex you used to be a cheater, spent all your money on video games, and made her look at your toilet bowl accomplishments. Connecting the dots?