The other day I was in line at McDonald’s and saw four kids, I’d say about 12ish, alone sitting at a table. I expected these gremlins to start squirting Mountain Dew on each other, and having pickle races on the front window. I didn’t get to see that, I didn’t even see these machines speak one word to each other. They all just had their heads down, smashing away on their Nintendo DS’s, while shoveling french fries down their fat faces. Usually I would shrug this off and continue to get my 6 things from the dollar menu, but I realized how lame kids are getting now a days. I decided to put together a list of the top 7 things kids will never experience again. Lets start with number 7….
7. Wild School Bus Rides
When I first got my license I seriously had a phobia of driving behind school buses. These little shit heads kept the tradition alive of giving me the finger, pointing and laughing at me (obviously making fun of me for driving a 1991 Chevy Cavalier), and making my drive for the next 15 minutes very awkward. I would always laugh as soon as I passed them up, because I did the exact same thing. When I was in elementary school the whole bus had arm wrestling tournaments on that big metal table, right next to the bus driver, before we left. When we did get on route, we tormented the driver behind us (because I obviously sat in the back, I wasn’t a loser) and threw shit across the bus like mini Joe Montana’s. In correlation with my McDonald’s experience, kids these days just sit in their seat like they are in a coma. Maybe it is because you have to wear a seat belt now, maybe because they are being filmed by a security camera, or maybe because they are all playing Nintendo DS. What I do know is I was a boss on the bus, no parents, no rules, no worries.
6. Dodge Ball And Other Gym Class Games
Dodgeball has been out of schools for a few years now which is really a shame, but now it has been taken to the next level. Recently schools have been enforcing bans on all contact sports in school, in addition to the ban of games such as “Tag”, “Red Rover” , and “Capture the Flag”. What the hell do these idiots expect kids to do in gym class now, power sprint on treadmills? A major problem in America is obesity and gym class and recess is a great time for kids to be active and work up a sweat. During a good game of capture the flag I would drop at least 6 pounds. I don’t know if America is just becoming pussies, or if all the nerds that got picked on in these games as kids are now making the decisions. I feel bad for today’s youth that they will never know the pleasurable feeling of running up with a dodge ball, when another kid is throwing another direction, and wailing that geek square in the face with a 65 mph fast ball. Better yet, the tag team effort in Red Rover when you and your pals lock arms and hunt down a fat kid and clothes line him like the Legion of Doom. No, kids will never be able to kick ass in gym class anymore, instead they will be yoga enthusiasts.
5. Passing Notes In School
Unless you looked like the Elephant Man, then you probably got a few notes passed your way in school. The problem with today’s technology, is that note passing in school is officially extinct. Why waste your time writing a 4 page letter, when you can shoot texts back and forth. I get it and I probably wouldn’t be writing notes either if I was in middle school right now. But how awesome was it getting a note in school. Firstly, when a chick gave you a note in the hall, it would be like getting a hand off from Troy Aikman; one smooth motion, a smile, and a turn around ass check. Once you got into class you had some nice reading material to keep your tiny attention span in check for a bit. The note was always folded in some sort of weird geometric shape, with interchanging pockets and your name in big bubble letters on the outside. After the 5 minutes it took you to open the letter, you got to read 4 pages of absolutely nothing, but it was still cool, because if a chick took the time to write you a 4 page note, then she dug you. Now, kids get one line texts left and right with no meaning, personalization, or heart. I enjoyed getting my smiley faces the size of cd’s drawn in 8 different color markers in my notes, you can have your “LOL ” kids.
4. Taking Real Photographs
Today all pictures are taken with digital cameras. I don’t think one person on Earth even owns a camera where you have to put in film anymore. The addition of a disposable camera being $15 bucks, which is a kid’s monthly income, no one even bothers spending that kind of money when they have a digital camera they got for Christmas. There is something about pictures being viewed on a screen that is just really dull to me. When I was younger it would be a blast exchanging photos, or getting together to look at the pictures taken the week before. When holding a picture you get a sense that “This memory will last forever.” Now a days with all your pictures being on the computer, they lack the intimacy they once captured. Isn’t it kind of sad that the only pictures you have of your recent memories are on your facebook?
3. Quality Video Games
I’m not afraid to admit I’m a gamer. Actually I should revise that and say I “used” to be a gamer. I got my bachelor’s degree from NES, and my masters at SNES. I interned at N64 and PS1 for a while before deciding I didn’t like gaming that much anymore. Now a days you have to spend 5 hours to get to point A to point B in a video game, it’s too real. I understand the notion of evolving games to make them as realistic as possible, but do I really want to drive 6 hours in a station wagon while doing 35 mph to get to the 3rd level’s boss? Gaming fun for me really fell off after the first Playstation. Kid’s now a days don’t understand the simplicity of classic games like Excite-Bike, RC Pro-AM, Mario Brothers, and Contra. Here is an epiphany I had the other day. People who grew up with Nintendo and Super Nintendo will always love to play an old game, like NBA JAM or Mega-Man any time of the week. In 5 years from now, no kid in the world will go back to play NFL2K1 on their Dreamcast. That’s the problem, every game made now a days is just a rip off from an old game with no originality, it’s all about graphics, and not about game-play. Try explaining Ms. Pac-Man to kids these days though. Well you controlled this yellow dot that you moved through a maze. You had to eat all the dots on the level but you had these scary ghosts that chased you. Yea Grandpa sounds awesome. (Totally ripped that off from Nick Swardson.) Kid’s just don’t know the fun of dying from dysentery every single time you play Oregon Trail, and never will.
2. AOL Chat Rooms
If you were a product of the 90′s it is a very good chance you stumbled across a chat room. If you have then I’m 99% sure you’ve had a conversation that started like this.
“Hey what’s up asl?”
“22 f Malibu California blue eyez toned body u?”
“24 m New York City green eyes well built, wanna cyber?”
I don’t think anyone was ever truthful, but it was fun to just make shit up, especially when you were with a bunch of your friends and you would go into ridiculous themed chat rooms and cause havoc. The move that was always funny was the old “pretend to be a chick and then mid way let the guy know your a dude” trick, and then call him gay for it. Now a days you can’t get away with this type of stuff because sending a picture or connecting to a video chat is standard procedure, not that I know, I’m just assuming. The fact of the matter is, in this case and pretty much with everything on this list, having less resulted in having more fun. What’s the world coming to when kid’s can’t pose as Brooklyn body builders on the internet to get a quick cyber-session in.
I stopped using the actual phrase of cooties after 3rd grade, but I still treated girls as if they had cooties until 7th grade. Not only was kissing a girl in elementary school unheard of, but it was instant reasoning to get ragged on by your friends for some odd reason. I remember a girl called my house in 5th grade one day and I got my balls busted by my buddies for the next 2 weeks. All this must have been some kid of set up, because when they came out with a vaccination for cooties, it was worth the wait. Kids now a days have sex orgies by the time they are 7, and girl’s are getting pregnant younger than ever, at alarming rates. Kid’s can have fun being grandparents at 24, but I wouldn’t change a thing about being scared of girls when I was little. I’m happy when I was a kid girl’s had cooties, for today’s youth girls don’t have cooties anymore, they have AIDS.