Elin Woods, I feel for you. Getting cheated on is the most sickening feeling I’ve ever felt. Not only do you feel absolutely betrayed, but you view yourself as completely worthless. I remember how stupid I was with my first ‘real’ girlfriend. It makes me ill to remember the person I was while dating her. What a vagina. We once had a phone conversation during the winter break of my freshman year of college that went a little something like this.
Ricky: I hope you like those flowers I sent to your house. I sent them on a Monday so all your girlies could be jealous all week. Where are ya? Are you on the treadmill? You sound winded.
Pookie: O, just at a friend’s place.
Ricky: Are you at Cindy’s or Jess’?
Ricky: Well where are you sills nills?
Pookie: I’m actually at Dusty’s. He threatened to kill himself again if I didn’t see him. I’m the only one who can make him feel better.
Ricky: O…I don’t really like you going over to your ex-boyfriend’s, but I trust you. Tell him to feel better. When can I meet him? I know he’s still one of your best friends.
(4-5 second silence)
Ricky: Hello? Hello? Pooks?
Dusty: Hey man this is Dusty. Listen, Pookie doesn’t want to be with you anymore. She’s back with me now.
Ricky: What? We just made sweet love last week after the holiday cruise. I don’t believe you!
Dustin: Love? That’s funny. I mean it’s cute and all, but we just fucked.
Ricky: (bitchy crying voice) Why are you doing this?
Pookie: Ricky look…we had sex a bunch of times. What did you think, I was going to marry you? We’re not together anymore. I want to be with Dusty.
I wanted to die that night. I was Chris Brander from Just Friends and Dusty Fucking Lee nailed my girl. Luckily one of my best friends was with me while this conversation took place because I was blind with rage. My anger was animalistic. I could have been called Travis the Chimp because i felt like ripping off hands and eating noses and eyeballs. My buddy calmed me down with a heavy dose of Popov Vodka (only the best) and a solid pep talk. I swore him to secrecy that he wouldn’t tell anyone because I was incredibly embarrassed. When I went back to school for the spring semester, I took her back like an ignorant pussy after believing all of his bullshit excuses. I was predictably crushed again when she managed to cheat on me during the four day Easter break. She must have really made J.C. proud. I was 18 years old and a real sucker for punishment. In my case, the girl I was seeing blatantly abused me. At least she wasn’t living a filthy lie like other people.
It’s unbelievable that people even attempt to live a double life by attempting to cover up their infidelities. The information age makes it virtually impossible for anyone to get away with cheating on their significant other. Between text messages, e-mails, and voice-mails, your tracks can never be completely covered. As you know, Tiger Woods thought he could mess around with about a dozen woman without anyone finding out. He is currently in a tough spot, but he will bounce back. Sure he probably scarred his kids, wife, and reputation for life, but what truly matters in the public eye is that he can crush a golf ball. Tiger doesn’t have it half as bad as other sports stars. Two L.A. Lakers come to mind that had a worse deal than Tiger. Magic Johnson and Kobe Bryant brought adultery to a whole new level. Nothing makes it more clear that you’ve been fucking around than girls claiming you raped them, or even worse, coming home with a fresh case of the hiv.
I recently read that Magic’s HIV is so undetectable that he no longer tests positive for HIV. I don’t care if his HIV tests are positive or not, he is the most cock blocked man on Earth. When Tiger’s current situation is all said and done, he will have no problem finding another hot piece of ass to pass his time with. Girls will still want to fuck Tiger Woods. Now take a step back and imagine yourself as Magic. He is the most famous man in America for having HIV. That rivals wanting to be the best known child molester. Magic’s wife obviously knows he messed around on her. This isn’t an Arthur Ash blood transfusion situation. If your Magic’s wife Cookie, do you even give Magic handjobs in an E.T. bio suit?
If you look at Magic’s sperm with a microscope, each of the them may actually be wearing black hoods and are holding sickles. It must really fuck with your head when you no longer ejaculate potential life, but rather deadly venom (that would make Kobe “Black Mamba” Bryant proud) shoots from your death stick. It turns out that Kobe was only guilty of having a donkey cock that made whitey bleed, but you had to of felt awful for Vanessa Bryant. She sat next to that asshole during a press conference where he pled that he wasn’t a rapist, but was only guilty of adultery. Vanessa to Kobe, “O that is fantastic. So she let you fuck her. That’s great honey! Let’s celebrate at the Cheesecake factory.” Good people, try and share your p’s or v’s with one person. Karma has a way of messing up your order. You could very well receive an AIDS sandwich on rye even though you ordered the prime rib.