It’s crazy to think that there are still pirates cruising the seas. On Monday, Somali pirates hijacked a U.S. bound Saudi supertanker carrying $20 million in crude oil. That is pretty bad ass considering they did it with shitty 80’s machine guns with wooden handles that you’d see in Rambo: First Blood Part II (never understood that title). I’ve always thought highly of pirates ever since I saw the movie Hook back in 1992. Dustin Hoffman played the perfect Capt. Hook in my opinion. He was a suicidal, kidnapping boy killer that still pulled off wearing the traditional fruity pirate garb.


When I look at pictures of Somali pirates, it’s really upsetting to see what these buccaneers look like today. I miss the old days of the eye patch, peg leg, hook hand, and ruffled shirt. These modern slackers look like they found the nearest potato sack and converted it into a nice pair of slacks. They go nicely with the 19-0 Patriots Super Bowl XLII Champion reject t-shirts they wear that were donated by the Salvation Army after the Pats lost to the Giants. These guys don’t have parrots on their shoulders, more like snarling pit-bulls. Forget Yo-Ho-Ho and a bottle of rum. Yo-yo-yo and a Colt 45 is more like it. Insert ridiculous over the top stereotype here. They look like the Mets disabled list from last season, said fuck another losing season, lets rob a boat. I don’t blame Reyes, Delgado, and Beltran for taking extended leaves to rape and pillage, instead of coming back to the team just to get swept by the Padres. If these Somalians are going to get the distinction of ‘pirate’, they should be required to wear the proper attire. If a group of these mangy bucs showed up to a Halloween party and explained that they were dressed as pirates, I’d say, “Sorry that’s not what a pirate looks like, not allowed in without a costume fellas.” They need to take some lessons from Captain Hook.

Hook displayed how ruthless traditional pirates are compared to these modern day Akon lookalikes. The final battle of the movie between the pirates and the Lost Boys culminates in a showdown on Hook’s pirate ship. Pan wants his kids back and at this point he can fight, fly, and fucking crow so look out. It is a silly little mongoose of a battle, as the pirates have swords and are trying to chop the boys into pulled pork sandwiches. The boys fight back with things like marbles and super-soakers filled with paint. It is nicely choreographed fight as the Lost Boys’ top weapon, a fat kid named Thud Butt, rolls himself up like a ball and knocks down pirates even in a 7-10 split formation.

Everything is all fun and happy; then Capt. Hook kills a kid. He puts his sword right through Rufio’s 12 year old boy heart. Strange turn of events in a PG movie. I like to imagine the two groups back at their home bases going over their casualties after the battle. The pirates talk about how they have paint all over themselves and how it really hurt tripping over those marbles. The Lost Boys talk about how they cut some pirates belts off exposing their underwear and how silly it was. However, it must then get really weird when they’re like, “Hook killed a guy. What the fuck was that about? Didn’t he get the memo?” Highjacking boats for ransom is cool I guess if you were raised eating flies off a leaf, but until you’ve killed a 52 year old man who hasn’t aged thanks to staying in Neverland since the 6th grade, you’re not a pirate in my opinion.