Like it or not, people will formulate opinions and ideas about you based on their initial observations, like how you dress, who you’re with, and what kind of vehicle you drive. You have to be careful, though, because sometimes the message that you think you’re sending isn’t always the one that people receive. Here’s what your car really says about you:
What You Think It Says: There are three kinds of people in this world: old people, pussies, and people who think that speed limits are for old people and pussies. I’m in the latter category. I live on the edge of my seat all the time. I’m an accomplished guy. I’ve been successful in life and I don’t mind showing it off a little bit. Plus, I saw something on the internet that said chicks are instinctively aroused by the sound of a revving engine.
What It Really Says: Small penis + Midlife Crisis = This Guy.
What You Think It Says: I am a completely normal person. I might have a family, but it consists of no more than two children. Sometimes I have friends that I need to take places. Sometimes I go to the grocery store and buy so much bologna and pickles that I can’t fit it all in my trunk. For these reasons, I require the use of a backseat from time to time, so I have chosen to drive a car that gives me the extra passenger/cargo room while still being economical and compact.
What It Really Says: I’m an unremarkable person who lives alone, unless you count my cat, which I do every year on my taxes. I mark myself down as Head of Household, though. Suck it, Mr. Whiskers!
What You Think It Says: I’m a man of the world. I live and work in the hustle-and-bustle of the big city, but when I’m not makin’ mad money I like to retreat to the tranquile solace of the wilderness. With my SUV, I can easily negotiate the chaotic city traffic and handle the off-road trails that my nature-loving side so desperately craves. My car is an all-in-one fun wagon.
What It Really Says: This one time I was planning on going camping over the summer, so I got this sweet SUV so I could get up to the mountains. Then the trip got cancelled because my best friend stole my girlfriend away from me. They still went camping without me. Also, I love spending money on gas.
What You Think It Says: I’m a workin’ man. I got stuff I need to take from one place to the other. Big stuff. Y’know, like wood and bricks and stuff. You want me to build you somethin’? ‘Cause I can if you want me to. Anything you want. You want a treehouse? You got it. You want a car port for your RV? I can do that, too. I’ll just have to bring over some big stuff to build it with. Luckily, I got a big ol’ pick up truck, so it’s no problem.
What It Really Says: My dad’s letting me borrow his truck while my Maxima is in the shop.
What You Think It Says: Just because my wife made me trade in my Camaro for this used minivan doesn’t mean I can’t still whoop your ass. Maybe you didn’t see that badass Yosemite Sam bumper sticker on the back. Sure, the kids put it there, but it’s still pretty badass. You might not think it, but this baby has got some power under the hood. It’s basically just a cool truck with a camper built on top of it. And it’s shaped like a condom. So, it’s a condom-shaped truck with a camper on it…and a sliding door. Also, there’s built in child seats, and it came with a built-in DVD player and some free Dora the Explorer DVDs. But aside from that, it’s basically the same as a badass truck, man.
What It Really Says: I’m my wife’s bitch and I had my balls removed.
What You Think It Says: Um…I work as a painter. Yeah, that’s it: I’m a painter! I use this van to carry my paint in. Yeah,…paint. I blacked out the windows because sunlight is bad for paint. What do you mean you’ve never heard that before? Yeah, it’s true: sunlight is really bad for paint. No, you can’t look in the back. No particular reason, I just don’t want you to look back there, that’s all. It’s full of paint stuff. It’s all messy. What do you mean ‘what’s that sound’? I didn’t hear anything. I’ve got to go now.
What It Really Says: I’m a rapist.
What You Think It Says: This isn’t just my means of transportation. It’s a lifestyle. You see this sweet dreamcatcher bandana? Yeah, that’s right. It’s awesome. I got room for one more on here, baby. But be careful, because I’m a loner. I go where the open road takes me. All I need is the wind in my hair and the open highway. Sure, you can jump on the back, but don’t get too attached. You might get hurt. Also, be really careful when I’m squeezing between cars at a red light, because sometimes it gets tight, and people get pissed if you bump their rearview mirrors.
What It Really Says: I dropped out of high school and fixed up this dirt bike when I was 17. It’s the only thing I own, and it’s the only thing I’ve got going for me.
What You Think It Says: I’m not like all these poor, bologna sandwich-eating fools on this bus. I’m different. As soon as I get my GED, I’m going to get a better job and be driving to my new, high-paying job in my own car. Everyone else on the bus/train/trolly can tell that I’m better than this. It’s so obvious.
What It Really Says: Dammit! I left my bologna sandwich on the bus again! Shout out to our long time reader “The Kid” for enduring public transportation for nearly 3 years now, god bless you and god bless you.