Taking a piss at a urinal can be a very awkward experience if you get an old creepy weirdo for a neighbor. The common law is just stare straight ahead at the concrete blocks with an occasional look down, zip up, and get the hell out of there. Now personally I’m not one of those pee shy kind of guys and I can care less about how crowded or exposed the stalls are, I’m there to do one thing and one thing only. Some guys get really up tight when in a public bathroom, I don’t know why. There are some guys that get all tough ass and don’t like to even hear words spoken in the bathroom. Because of those guys I started being a real asshole in public bathrooms in order to make them feel as uncomfortable as possible, and to also get a good laugh when I break out of there. Here are 20 things you can do to make things real awkward, real fast, but pure comedy for you and your buddies.

1. “Your stream seems kind of weak, maybe you should get your prostate checked.”

2. Pinch your nose real exaggerated like, and exclaim, “God damn, these blood clots stink. Can you smell them over there? Smells like barbecue sauce and vomit.”

3. “Hey, nice cock buddy.”

4. “I wonder what my sister is up to right now?”

5. “Oh it BURNS, my God in heaven how it BURNS.”

6. Piss in the urinal right next to the only guy in the bathroom, especially when there is 10 other open urinals.


7. “Oh…that’s odd…”

8. You could also bring in a big ass smoked turkey leg from a carnival and just eat the shit out of that thing while you’re pissing. Be sure to ask the dudes on each side of you if they want to “get up on it.”

9. “All over me…… AGAIN!!!”

10. “Ah, urinals… last time I see one of these, if the operation is successful.”

11. “Must …..NOT….. look….. DOWN.”

12. “Blood? That can’t be good.”

13. Stand really far away from the urinal while pissing.

14. My friend does this one all the time, When you get up to the urinal drop your pants all the way down to your ankles. Just piss completely bottomless, that’s good for a laugh every time.

15. Say to the guy at the next urinal: “This is the best part about being gay.”

16. Demand to know where the glory holes are.

17. Sing any children’s song softly, but loud enough for the guy next to you to hear, preferably “Rock-A-Bye Baby”.

18. “Mind holding this, I need to take this call.”

19. “Is foreskin all its cracked up to be?”

20. “Is yours all bumpy? Mine’s like a pickle with warts. What up wit dat?” Then try to slap the dude a high five.

Honorable mention: “Yo BRO, your dick has range.”

NOTE: If you get your ass beat in the bathroom for using any of these one liners we take no responsibility, you can totally take credit when you use these, it’s cool with us.