There is a fantastically stupid new drinking game/contest making the rounds called “Icing” or “Bros Icing Bros.”

The rules are simple: If a dude hands you a bottle of Smirnoff Ice, you have to drop to one knee and chug the entire thing–unless you have a bottle of Smirnoff Ice handy, in which case you can hand it back to your buddy, and he has to drop to one knee and drink both.

I participated in this moronic pastime once and then realized, “Wait a minute: this isn’t some kind of new viral drinking game. Some jagoff at Smirnoff thought this up because it’s the only reason including threat of torture to ever drink the sugary piss beverage known as Smirnoff Ice.”

That’s why I refuse to participate in “Icing” and have invented several new rules for the game.

If you’re presented with a bottle of Smirnoff Ice by a friend, you may:

* Not be his friend anymore
* Slap him hard enough in the face to produce tears
* Empty the bottle of Smirnoff Ice on his first-born child’s head, if he has one (a child that is, not a head, which I’m guessing he has)
* Sleep with his mother
* Drink the Smirnoff Ice fast enough to induce vomiting and then coat his face and neck with fizzy, Smirnoff-scented regurgitation

However, if you’re friend Ices you, and you just happen to have a bottle of Smirnoff Ice handy to give back to him, you may:

* Feel terrible about yourself for having a Smirnoff Ice handy
* Wait until he’s halfway through the second one and then urinate on his head
* Launch into a vicious diatribe, belittling your friend’s juvenile dependence on grade school-quality contests of masculinity developed by Southern Fraternity brothers starved for a means to justify their wilting influence in the rising racially diverse and egalitarian-minded generation from which they’ve begun to feel alienated and obsolete