You have seen her before. Black stringy hair, pale skin, coke bottle glasses. She is greasy and wasted. Her nipples showing through her Urban Outfitter tank top. She smokes American Spirit cigarettes and thinks she is too fucking cool for school. You think to yourself “What would it take to fuck this chick?” ,”I’m not nearly as cool as her.” Think again!! She is actually very easy to manipulate into the face down, ass up position as long as you know the right things to say. Hipster sluts only care about parties and bullshit and getting ahead in the party scene. If you make her feeble mind think that you are cool and important you might even get to cum on her face and/or her anchor tattoos. Maybe even wake up in the morning feeling like P.Diddy.
10. Tell her you work at American Apparel and receive a super rad 50% discount.
Hipster sluts love skanky, overpriced clothing. American Apparel is the mecca of super cool, coochie hugging pants. Their advertisements look like a 13 year old girls first foray into porn and are the inspiration of hipster chicks facebook photos. If you tell her you can get her into the newest nylon scoop back pencil dress for less, you will definitely get her out of her gold lame pants right then and there.
9. Grow a mustache or a beard.
Facial hair. The golden ticket. If you have a burly beard or a creepy looking mustache chances are you will be giving free mustache rides to the whole Lower East Side. Bonus points if you wear a flannel shirt and look like a child molester.
8. Update your Ipod with whiny, noisy tunes.
This is very crucial in your quest for indie pussy. Music equals life for these girls. You must be down with Animal Collective. Get acquainted with The Smiths, tell them Morrissey is your hero. Tell them how you knew about MGMT before they were MGMT. Don’t limit yourself to just indie, listen to gangsta rap too. It will make you seem ironic and bad ass.
7. Stop eating animals.
Yep, That’s right! No more late night ham and cheese sandwiches. You must be a vegan. You must enjoy yummy tofu. Eating meat is murder dude and cheese and milk is a no go. If you lie they will totally taste it in your cum.
6. Invest in a fixed gear bicycle.
You will look super dope riding down Graham on your “fixie” . You must call it a “fixie”. Beware though these bikes do not come equipped with brakes and stop by skidding. Hopefully you will skid into a hot slut literally and figuratively.
5. Get a really original tattoo.
Original meaning a tattoo that no other person besides another hipster would have. Boom box, music notes, lyrics to a Cure song, a tiger, a swallow or even the Twitter whale. Why the fuck not? Chances are she probably has the same shitty ink somewhere on her emaciated frame. Besides people do dumb shit for love and sex. Two word. Trojan Horse.
4. Tell her you are a visual artist.
It really doesn’t matter if you have the skills to be an artist. Hell, you don’t even need the materials. You can take a piece of paper, smear dog shit on it and she will think it’s deep. Bonus points if you tell her the piece is called “lamenting on the U.S government during the Bush administration.
3. Let her know your dad was in some 70’s band with a hit song.
It will make you seem all sorts of Sean Lennon cool. It doesn’t even have to be a real band, just make up a name like “The Montana River Band” or something like that. Tell her your mom was a famous Brazilian model who hung out at Studio 54. She will be all ready to fuck some rock royalty.
2. Have an endless supply of Pabst Blue Ribbon and Jack Daniels at your Williamsburg loft.
Party girls want nothing more than cheap beer, whiskey and a shower stall to make out with their best friend in. In fact the more Pabst the better. Pabst bottle opener, belt buckle, towels. These hipster sluts have made this piss beer so popular the company was able to sell for 250 million. The Williamsburg loft can be a studio on top of a Bodega in Bushwick. These girls are so wasted they do not know the difference.
1. Become a party photographer.
hipsterThis is the end all, be all of hipster pussy chasing. You would not believe what these girls will do at a club if you are a party photographer. They will suck, fuck, blow, snort just about anyone or anything to have their nudes featured on a hipster party blog. All you need is about 600 bucks to buy a Canon EOS Rebel and a few dollars to get into a party. They will flock to you like maggots on shit and before you know it you will have documentation of the most wild night of your life. You will be infamous on the party circuit, You will be the hipster Ash Ketchum, like Pokemon. Gotta catch em all (and you will).