The success of “The Social Network” at the box office this past weekend has many mid-20-somethings nostalgically reminiscing back to the days of “The Facebook” (circa 2004), long before the advent of so-called “privacy settings.” It was a carefree time when users needed a .edu e-mail address from a select network of schools and coeds openly posted party pics without any sort of inclination that their drunken, underage photos would seen by a prospective employer or, worse, a curious aunt or parent. Six years, hundreds of millions of users, and billions of theoretical dollars later, Mark Zuckerberg’s online Frankenstein continues to be the most culturally relevant social network on the Internet. It also continues to be the ultimate online depository for women to upload photos of themselves. In turn, every warm-blooded man with a pulse and an Internet connection has squandered countless hours gawking at pictures of hot female friends — and friends of friends — on Facebook. So it seems girls need new tactics to keep themselves looking hot and to make sure perverts keep stalking their profile. Here are the top 10 tricks girls use to look hot on their facebook.
10. Posing for Group Photos with the Infamous “Angled-Knee Trick”
Facebook must have entire servers dedicated to storing photos that are a mirror image of the example above. When a group of girls huddle up to take a photo, the posture is almost universally the same: shoulders back, one knee slightly bent, and a foot forward at an angle. Points on the hotness scale skyrocket for showing some skin.
9. Posing for Group Photos with the Infamous “Strong-Arm Trick”
The so-called “Strong-Arm Trick” is pretty much a bastard cousin of the knee-out trick, as demonstrated above in the lake vacation photos of Oregon’s Cheerleading squad. It’s traditionally an optical illusion for tough girls (think rowers and field hockey players) to lose camera pounds in their arms. The basic protocol is a three-step process. First, the girl angles her body toward the camera. Second, she places her hands on her hip. Third, she pushes her funny bone back toward their shoulder so either (a) the muscle doesn’t bulge out or (b) flab on the front and back of her arm doesn’t jiggle when the photographer snaps the picture.
8. The Bend-Over Trick
Chicks love to show off how well they can do the ChaCha slide on Facebook by posing for pictures with their hands on their knees and their asses extended in full grind position. Although it’s nice they pop their butt out, it’s also awkward they are assuming the position of getting drilled from behind.
7. The Bend-Over, Squeeze-the-Boobs Trick
Yes ladies, we’re staring at your ones-and-twos. Unlike the traditional bend-over pose, the purpose of this classic Facebook photo is to highlight the subject’s glorious rack, thus taking the attention off of the girl’s face. It’s a blissful optical illusion for a butterface, and especially effective when the boobs are squeezed together
5. The Bathroom Mirror Self-Portrait Trick
This is without a doubt the most narcissistic type of Facebook photo. More often than not, the type of women who pose in the mirror aren’t even attractive. It’s a surefire sign of an attention whore who is usually so desperate for online gratication that she’s willing to turn the camera on herself in a bathroom mirror before blasting it out to the Internet. Unless it’s a photo of your buddy blacked out and hurling cheap vodka and Domino’s pizza at 3 in the morning, there’s nothing more disgusting than a Facebook photo taken in the same room dedicated to taking a shit.
4. The Headshot Trick
O you look good from the neck up, with professionally done make up, a professional angled camera, and retouching with photoshop, weird. Don’t forget to tip your struggling-actress/model waitress.
3. The Profile Pic with an Hotter/Uglier Friend Trick
Some smokeshows go to bitchy extremes in order to look better, even when it involves falling on the proverbial grenade. Although standing next to a 400 pound linebacker with long hair does make you the better choice, it doesn’t really make you any hotter in actuality.
2. The Never-Smiling-in-a-Photo Trick
Ugh. These are almost as bad as the girl who posts a head shot as a photo. Seriously, just look at the camera already and stop pouting. This girl is quick to untag herself from any and every album. No matter how loaded this girl gets, there’s not a snowball’s chance in hell she’ll smile. These girls usually have boat loads of status updates including song lyrics and love poems, cut it out.
1. The Duck Face Photo Trick
The all time photo choice of most girls now a days, and maybe since I’m from New Jersey I see this deadly maneuver a lot popping up on my facebook. Want to look like a skanky female D-bag? Channel your inner-Scrooge McDuck in a Facebook photo.