The Super Bowl is more than a championship football game – it’s an All-American celebration that wouldn’t be complete without a good party. Just like you can count on a “sexy cop” to show up at a Halloween party, you can count on this dirty dozen annoying and obnoxious individuals to be at your next Super Bowl bash.
1. The Degenerate Gambler
It’s easy to mistake this guy’s intense enthusiasm as a sign of how of big this game is, but really it’s because this fascinating specimen has two large riding on just the coin toss. In between sweating over keeping up with his three different betting squares, he’ll be worried if his inside tip on the NFC’s Gatorade color preference comes through. Can later be seen on his phone with his bookie in an attempt to set up a triple parlay on the over/under on the number of beer commercials in the third, and which punter will have the higher punt yardage average.
2. Mr. “Have You Tried My Special Dip?
Can often be seen hounding anyone foolish enough to reach for the chips. This bon vivant was up at the crack of dawn chopping Applewood bacon while figuring out which form of cheddar will go into his 5-cheese blend. And he wants you to know it. To him, he created a godly gooey elixir worthy of praise; to you, he created cheese dip with a hint of sour cream.
3. Commercial Catch Phrase Guy
This asshat will latch on to the commercial catch phrase that got the most laughs and use it in conversation as much as possible for the entirety of the evening. In a few hours, the YouTube video is all over his Facebook wall, he’s already got the pre-order on the shirt, and an audio clip has become his voicemail message. WASSSUP indeed.
4. Guy Waaaay Too Into the Game
This life of the party will be plunked down, hunched over, and putting a permanent dent on the same couch cushion. If you attempt to engage him in conversation, at worst you’ll get a disgruntled rumble, at best a disinterested head nod. Clear away the coffee table in preparation for his inevitable explosive meltdown over a blown holding call.
5. The Overly Cutesy & Excited Football Fan Girl
Dressed to be easily noticed with her jersey tied up (for maximum midriff exposure) and color-coordinated, glittery eye black. In between shrill screams for every play over 5 yards, you’ll be privy to insightful observations on topics including the butts on most of the O-line, and how her ex was a fan of the opposing squad which is why she just LOVES her current team.
6. “They Spent $3,000,000 Dollars on That?!” Guy
This cache of little-cared-about information “overheard” (re: obsessively Googled for two weeks) the rate per 30 second spot for the annual fluff pieces that surround every Super Bowl. They will then proceed to ask the titular question after any spot that was even a bit obtuse or fell flat. Yeah man, you get the advertising game much more than an entire team of marketers. Go on ahead to Madison Avenue — you can have Don Draper’s old corner office.
7. The Guy Who is Still Amazed at HD
This guy will marvel at the grass stains on the uniforms, the vivid colors, the detail on the helmets, and the commentators’ make-up failing, which would be perfectly understandable… if this was 2006. Refer this ill-informed soul to his local HD cable provider and big box electronic retailer, you’ll be doing each other a favor.
8. “Football Players Aren’t as Tough as They Used to Be” Guy
Whenever a player goes down after a hit that doesn’t look rib shattering or after they strain a muscle, you can count on this hard individual to expound upon how much hardier the old leatherheads were than today’s overpaid prima donnas. Hate to break it to you, but Red Grange would probably not survive an open field tackle against Ray Lewis’ 4.5 40 time and 250 lb. frame.
9. Territorial Beer Guy
This selfish ass will act as sentry to his coveted imported six-pack for the entirety of the evening. Not only will he turn off all the other guests by shouting ownership whenever some unfortunate soul asks whose beers are crushing the deviled eggs, but he’ll also be taking his last two bottles home with him.
10. Guy Who Still Giggles at the ED Commercials
Dude: Viagra, Cialis, and Levitra have been on the market for the better part of 15 years. It is no longer acceptable to find the thinly veiled boner references hilarious. Although the fact that the resulting boner is so awesome it can possibly make you blind, and send you to the hospital, IS a little bit funny. But we don’t need to hear about it.
11. Guy Who Inexplicably Leaves During the Third Quarter
I understand that tomorrow is the start of a new workweek, and you have to get up early, but how can you devote three hours to watching one of the greatest sporting events of all time and not care how it ends? I bet you left before you found out Darth Vader was Luke’s father. I’m not sure whether I should be disappointed at your lack of interest, or envious of your complete apathy.
12. The “Shhh”-er
Silence can be golden. Especially in the case of an official’s review or even a particularly clever commercial. However, game or not, asking a house full of football fans to be silent at a party, while spraying spit everywhere with your constant shushing, makes you a prime candidate for having your head dunked in the dip. We’re fans. We yell at the screen.