Another year is almost down, and it amazes me how much shit we still haven’t figured out, given all the modern advances and technology available today. But here I stand, utterly baffled and disappointed. Here are some things I need you to work on, 2011.

1. A Cure for the Common Cold

So let me fucking see if I understand… you’re telling me if I take these three pills twice a day for 45 days, my cholesterol will be normal, I’ll mysteriously shed 35 pounds, I’ll be able to crush catsup (nobody spells it like that) packets with my pecks, I’ll go back to having “regular” movements, and my cock will be able to do 17 pull-ups… but you can’t figure out a cure for the common cold?! It sucks because whenever people feel miserable I believe they have the right to bitch about it. But the truth is, it’s just a cold. It’s not like you can bitch about having a cold to a cancer patient. Guy with a cold: “Man, you have no idea how I feel. I had to back out of our bowling league practice last night I was so sick.”Cancer Patient: “Are you fucking serious? Did you just fucking say that? You have a fucking cold, uh-oh, watch out, this guy could drop dead at any second now. Shut the fuck up. So you get to spend two days in a robe watching Oprah, fuck you! Pussy.” Guy with a cold: “Man, cancer patients are jerks.”

2. Properly Functioning Cruise Control

Now that cars are smart enough to park their damn selves, I’d have figured you could equip them with a computer that can figure out when they’re going up a fucking hill. But no matter what, if you go up a hill with cruise control on, your 2009 Nissan Pathfinder sounds like a damn Ferrari running the 24 hours of Le Mans in first gear. And it makes you feel like a retard because all of a sudden your vehicle charges forward like a dog whose tail just got stepped on; then you realize you’re going half the fucking speed of light and hit the brakes, so everyone on the highway looks at you like you’re the biggest asshole in the world. Oh well, screw ‘em. “What the fuck are you looking at, you’re driving a fucking Smart Car!”
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We wish everyone a Merry Christmas today. We really are thankful for everyone’s support. Now go eat, drink, drink, eat, and drink some more. MERRRRRRYYYYY CHRISTMASSSS. (sorry we’re drunk already.)

Happy Festivus to all our readers. We hope you enjoy the “Airing of Grievances” and “Feats of Strength,” all while sitting around your unadorned aluminum “Festivus pole”. And don’t forget to donate to The Human Fund, money for people. You can make your checks and wires out to ZootPatrol, and we will then go ahead and donate for you, thanks.

A moment from every 2010 movie trailer, all inside 4 minutes. [note: Plus, an awesome Metric song, so have a listen even if you hate every movie from this year.] Also below the movie you can see every single movie shown in the order it appears in the trailer.

List of movies below.
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Santa Claus is coming to town. Most people are excited about it, but it’s probably best you take a little advice from everyone’s favorite internet star, Antoine Dodson and hide yo’ kids and hide yo’ wife when Santa makes his way down your chimney. Because if you really take a close look at the guy, you probably won’t want him rummaging through your living room while you sleep. Here are eight reasons that Santa Claus is an unfit family holiday icon.

8 He’s Obese

There’s no question that obesity is a serious problem in America. Perhaps part of the reason it’s even an issue is because, at a very early age, we give our children this jolly fat man to look up to. The guy has a strict diet of cookies and candy canes and is grossly overweight, yet he still has people who wait in line for hours just to sit in his greasy lap. What kid wouldn’t want to grow up to be idolized just like Santa Claus is? That’s clearly where the gorging begins and it’s a lost cause from that moment on.

7 He’s Cocky

In the song, “Here Comes Santa Claus” which is already a song about him, even the street he uses has his name in it. You know, “…right down Santa Claus Lane…”. I mean, come on, all the streets in the world and he has to use the one that’s named after him and then have everyone sing about it? How stuck up is this guy?! He’s one speech-interruption away from being Kanye West.

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Awesome mash up of Tom Hanks films and Dr. Dre beats. It left me with just one question: Who is the better team, Turner and Hooch or Dre and Snoop?

The Judeo-Christian God is an epic troll. If you grew up Catholic, Protestant or at all Christian, then most of these iterations of this meme will hit home hard. These are all questions we’ve asked ourselves, our pastors and our parents that can be answered with the fact that the Judeo-Christian God, as a character, is a mean, troll-like, hypocritical butt-face. Enjoy the best of the “Advice God” meme, just in time for the holiday season.

A ton more from Advice God found below
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When the last of the Chilean miners finally emerged from the fetid belly of the Earth, he probably went home, ate his favorite food, made love to his wife, and then logged onto the Internet and watched a Kitten Hugging a Teddy Bear before drifting off into a hero’s sleep, right? Viral videos, you guys, WHAT IT IS ALL ABOUT. Kiss the ground for them, I’m sure. 2010 had so many good ones! So, as is Videogum tradition, they have collected them all into a delightful and, most importantly, MOVING tribute to the year in Internet.

It’s that time of the year again: You’re prepping to spend way too much time with the kin, maybe traveling across country to see them, and stressing the hell out about getting non-repulsive gifts for your loved ones. And if you have a special lady friend in your life, you may also be doubting every swipe of your credit card (or cricket sound coming from your bank account). Because there’s already way too much pressure on you, here are some tips on what to avoid getting your girl for the holidays, along with some gift ideas that will surely induce hugs and, “You’re so sweet(s)!”

7 Workout Equipment

This one’s kind of a duh, as it’s an annual sitcom-husband screw up during every Christmas special. She’ll take it as a hint she’s fat, blah blah blah. No matter how much she talks about wanting those Shape Up shoes, don’t give in (they’re garbage, anyway). Exception: A super cute yoga mat if she’s a Pilates or yoga enthusiast. The ones at the gym are gross.

6 Any Kitchen-esque Gear

This category includes not only waffle makers and Day-Glo colored mixers, but also Fruit of the Month Clubs and bottles of liquor. (Unless you’re 16, a pint of liquor is not too thrilling, sorry.) Even if she’s a total foodie, anything falling into this realm is the opposite of personal. they may also interpret it as you telling them that you want cupcakes and quiches and they should be enthusiastic about making said snacks because the As Seen On TV-cupcake/quiche-making contraption is pink. Exception: A couples cooking class or out-of-the-ordinary fancy-schmancy dinner. they’ll also eat their faces off and get liquored up, it’ll just be not douche-y.
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