Remember the last time you were excited for someone hosting SNL? Didn’t think so because SNL hasn’t gone down the tubes in recent years, and without Andy Samberg’s digital shorts I don’t know where that show would be. This past Saturday though Zach Galifianakis hosted SNL for his first time. Not only did he live up to the expectations but he had an awesome opening monologue. There were dull points in the show but for the most part it was the best show in recent memory. Check out his opening below, and I also included one of the better bits as well.

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Taking a piss at a urinal can be a very awkward experience if you get an old creepy weirdo for a neighbor. The common law is just stare straight ahead at the concrete blocks with an occasional look down, zip up, and get the hell out of there. Now personally I’m not one of those pee shy kind of guys and I can care less about how crowded or exposed the stalls are, I’m there to do one thing and one thing only. Some guys get really up tight when in a public bathroom, I don’t know why. There are some guys that get all tough ass and don’t like to even hear words spoken in the bathroom. Because of those guys I started being a real asshole in public bathrooms in order to make them feel as uncomfortable as possible, and to also get a good laugh when I break out of there. Here are 20 things you can do to make things real awkward, real fast, but pure comedy for you and your buddies.

1. “Your stream seems kind of weak, maybe you should get your prostate checked.”

2. Pinch your nose real exaggerated like, and exclaim, “God damn, these blood clots stink. Can you smell them over there? Smells like barbecue sauce and vomit.”

3. “Hey, nice cock buddy.”

4. “I wonder what my sister is up to right now?”

5. “Oh it BURNS, my God in heaven how it BURNS.”

6. Piss in the urinal right next to the only guy in the bathroom, especially when there is 10 other open urinals.

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Joe Cocker is an American rock singer who is famous for such cover songs as “With A Little Help From My Friends” by the Beatles. In 1969 Cocker sang that song at Woodstock and I don’t know for sure if he was on drugs, but he did not sing the same words in the original version of that song, not even close. What’s even more ridiculous is how everyone watching this was just bobbing their head really digging what he was saying, clearly also on drugs. Either way check out this hilarious illustrated translation of his live performance.

Favorite Line: “Lordddd I know your a guy, put on this turban.”

Isn’t it always really awkward when you mistake someone for one of your friends or vice versa. It is just a really embarrassing moment that you usually just smile and walk away as fast as possible looking like an idiot. Well what if not just one person mistook you for someone else, but the whole bar did, and they started giving you gifts because they thought they were there for your birthday. The happy-scene-causing crew at Improv Everywhere has done it again. This time they gave a complete stranger the best birthday night of his life, cue Happy Birthday Ted!

Between all of these appearances lately, I’m not really sure when these kids from the Jersey Shore actually sleep. From The View, to photo shoots, to being at parties with collapsing rooves, these guidos are everywhere. My friend said to me about a month ago, “a lot of people get their 15 minutes of fame, but trust me dudes, these kids are going be shining for at least 45 minutes to an hour”. He couldn’t have been more right. They don’t seem to be going away, and further proof of that is right here, with word coming that they will be helping the renowned George Lopez celebrate Oscars week by filming a series of parodies of this year’s ten Best Picture nominees. Here is the Jersey Shore remake of Hurt Locker.

I think it’s safe to say that everyone thinks ninjas are awesome. There is something about them that everyone loves including me. The only problem with ninjas is that you never know when they are going to creep up behind you in broad day light and snap your neck. What’s even worse is there is no stopping them ending your life even if you knew it was coming. There are only certain circumstances when ninjas can’t catch you, here they are. If you don’t fall under any of these categories your pretty much fucked if ninjas are coming after you, sorry.

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Everyone loves boobs, guys and girls, so why not be informed on 15 great facts about boobs. It is crazy how many boob jobs there are a year, it’s even crazier that they used ground rubber and glass balls in the beginning of breast surgery.

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Like it or not, people will formulate opinions and ideas about you based on their initial observations, like how you dress, who you’re with, and what kind of vehicle you drive. You have to be careful, though, because sometimes the message that you think you’re sending isn’t always the one that people receive. Here’s what your car really says about you:

Sports Car

What You Think It Says: There are three kinds of people in this world: old people, pussies, and people who think that speed limits are for old people and pussies. I’m in the latter category. I live on the edge of my seat all the time. I’m an accomplished guy. I’ve been successful in life and I don’t mind showing it off a little bit. Plus, I saw something on the internet that said chicks are instinctively aroused by the sound of a revving engine.

What It Really Says: Small penis + Midlife Crisis = This Guy.

Sedan

What You Think It Says: I am a completely normal person. I might have a family, but it consists of no more than two children. Sometimes I have friends that I need to take places. Sometimes I go to the grocery store and buy so much bologna and pickles that I can’t fit it all in my trunk. For these reasons, I require the use of a backseat from time to time, so I have chosen to drive a car that gives me the extra passenger/cargo room while still being economical and compact.

What It Really Says: I’m an unremarkable person who lives alone, unless you count my cat, which I do every year on my taxes. I mark myself down as Head of Household, though. Suck it, Mr. Whiskers!
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Joe Jackson

Aliens rule, but being a human and looking like an alien does not rule. Luckily for me I have perfect proportions, model for Hanes, get mistaken for Brad Pitt all the time, and do not look like an intergalactic predator. Sadly for these celebs, they do look like mutants when you see side by side alien photos. Either way these idiots are rich, and I’m still wearing shirts from 10 years ago, real talk.

Sam Cassell

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