It’s crazy to think that there are still pirates cruising the seas. On Monday, Somali pirates hijacked a U.S. bound Saudi supertanker carrying $20 million in crude oil. That is pretty bad ass considering they did it with shitty 80’s machine guns with wooden handles that you’d see in Rambo: First Blood Part II (never understood that title). I’ve always thought highly of pirates ever since I saw the movie Hook back in 1992. Dustin Hoffman played the perfect Capt. Hook in my opinion. He was a suicidal, kidnapping boy killer that still pulled off wearing the traditional fruity pirate garb.
In all my days of playing Mortal Kombat as a kid, I don’t think I ever once picked to play as Johnny Cage. I don’t know if it was just me, but it seemed absolutely ridiculous for him to even be in the game. You have immortal gods of electricity, fire spitting skeletons, ice hurling demons, and a 38 year old washed up Hollywood actor to pick from hmmmmmmmmm. This idiot’s finishing move was to either punch the opponent in the balls, or give him a signed picture of himself, which I guess would make anyone shit their pants and implode. The other mortals in the game Sonya, Liu Kang, and Kano all at least had something cool about them. Sonya had nice boobs, Kano had robot arms, Liu Kang did flying bicycle kicks and turned into fucking dragons, and Johnny Cage just runs around doing upper cuts with a pot belly, fuck Johnny Cage, he would have been killed in the first 3 seconds of Mortal Kombat. Any way I saw this video and got a kick out of it, because all tournaments should have started like this to get Johnny Cage out of the game as quickly as possible.
Practically everyone I know loves to drink at least once in a while. Nothing can celebrate something great in your life, or get you out of a rut like a nice stiff drink of your choice. The problem with my drinking habits however is that I still can’t drink casually. Drinking one beverage automatically triggers the desire to drink until I get the pre-puke hiccups. I’d rather drink a stirred “beagle piss on the rocks” then be teased with a couple beers, only to be forced to abruptly stop pounding.
I still drink to get fucked up. Not to sound cool, I’ve been drinking since I was 13. I have fond teenage memories of my brother and I stealing the same bottles of booze from my mom. When I’d try to steal some vodka, my drink would just taste like watered down Sprite. That bastard would always get to it first and fill it back up with some water. Vodka magically froze in the freezer thanks to us. Despite drinking for a while, I still black out on a regular basis. I know my limits but still find a need to push my limits towards retardation. Nothing positive ever comes from being blacked out. You either fuck a wildebeest, drive into a pre-school’s playground slide, or simply wake up confused in a jail-cell with a mustard stained wife beater and assless chaps showing your backwards underwear you have on. It’s always tough when the boxer dick hole exposes your asshole. Awful things like this are expected, considering that when you drink your ass off you are poisoning your body, but more specifically your brain. When you’re blacked out your brain gets pissed off and says, “Fuck this, you’re on your own buddy.” It takes a first class flight to a quaint tropical island called St. Blackouticus until morning. While your brain is on holiday sipping pina coladas by the pool, your body is left to fend for itself on autopilot.
The other day I was in line at McDonald’s and saw four kids, I’d say about 12ish, alone sitting at a table. I expected these gremlins to start squirting Mountain Dew on each other, and having pickle races on the front window. I didn’t get to see that, I didn’t even see these machines speak one word to each other. They all just had their heads down, smashing away on their Nintendo DS’s, while shoveling french fries down their fat faces. Usually I would shrug this off and continue to get my 6 things from the dollar menu, but I realized how lame kids are getting now a days. I decided to put together a list of the top 7 things kids will never experience again. Lets start with number 7….
7. Wild School Bus Rides
When I first got my license I seriously had a phobia of driving behind school buses. These little shit heads kept the tradition alive of giving me the finger, pointing and laughing at me (obviously making fun of me for driving a 1991 Chevy Cavalier), and making my drive for the next 15 minutes very awkward. I would always laugh as soon as I passed them up, because I did the exact same thing. When I was in elementary school the whole bus had arm wrestling tournaments on that big metal table, right next to the bus driver, before we left. When we did get on route, we tormented the driver behind us (because I obviously sat in the back, I wasn’t a loser) and threw shit across the bus like mini Joe Montana’s. In correlation with my McDonald’s experience, kids these days just sit in their seat like they are in a coma. Maybe it is because you have to wear a seat belt now, maybe because they are being filmed by a security camera, or maybe because they are all playing Nintendo DS. What I do know is I was a boss on the bus, no parents, no rules, no worries.
6. Dodge Ball And Other Gym Class Games
Dodgeball has been out of schools for a few years now which is really a shame, but now it has been taken to the next level. Recently schools have been enforcing bans on all contact sports in school, in addition to the ban of games such as “Tag”, “Red Rover” , and “Capture the Flag”. What the hell do these idiots expect kids to do in gym class now, power sprint on treadmills? A major problem in America is obesity and gym class and recess is a great time for kids to be active and work up a sweat. During a good game of capture the flag I would drop at least 6 pounds. I don’t know if America is just becoming pussies, or if all the nerds that got picked on in these games as kids are now making the decisions. I feel bad for today’s youth that they will never know the pleasurable feeling of running up with a dodge ball, when another kid is throwing another direction, and wailing that geek square in the face with a 65 mph fast ball. Better yet, the tag team effort in Red Rover when you and your pals lock arms and hunt down a fat kid and clothes line him like the Legion of Doom. No, kids will never be able to kick ass in gym class anymore, instead they will be yoga enthusiasts.
Although the auto tune phenomenon is getting a little old, this one was done well.
lately I have been getting more and more frustrated with Facebook due to the overwhelming barrage of garbage posted every two seconds. It is slowly turning into a spam filled heap of shit, with the help of power losers who support all this crazy nonsense. It is about time people are informed of all the things they do on Facebook that show everyone how big of a loser they are, so in a way I am just trying to help people, because that’s the kind of guy I am. If you partake in any of these crimes listed below you seriously need to slow down, take a deep breathe, and re-evaluate life.
7. Change Your Status Every 13 Minutes
There are many types of status changers that result in nothing more than people thinking you are a giant loser. One type is the guy/girl who writes subliminal messages to attract a guy or a girl when in reality it is making you look like an obsessed “swim-fan” weirdo. The ultimate loser status updater is the twat who thinks he or she is god’s gift to all humans and feels the need to let everyone know what they are doing at all times. I don’t care if you are chewing gum on your couch watching Grey’s Anatomy. Stop being an arrogant attention craving ass, and get out for a change, you’re not a celebrity, no one cares. The status updates that, by far are the worst, is when someone leaves a 5 paragraph song quote, reciting some depressing sappy love song. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, step out from behind the cyber space wall and actually tell whoever you’re thinking about how you feel, it will save you a lot of time when you the person tells you flat out that you are a creep and want nothing to do with you.
6. Poke People
Are you really using the “poke” button to get a guy/girl’s attention? I’ve used the poke button purely as a joke, but some people actually think this is a way of telling someone they are interested. If you for a second think by poking someone isn’t creepy/immature/ridiculous/ boarder line in danger of getting a restraining order slapped on your ass, you need to look yourself in the mirror and get a clue.
5. Mobile Upload Pictures Taken of Yourself in the Bathroom With Your Iphone
I don’t know what the thinking behind this heinous act entails. What I do know is they have this crazy gadget called a camera and you use it to take pictures. If you don’t have a single friend in the world that can take a picture of you, maybe you should stop taking pictures of yourself in a dirty bathroom and get out and find a friend. If you want to show off your new cool cellphone then you’re living in 1996, because even my 7 year old cousin has an Iphone and it’s not something to really brag about anymore. Taking model-esque pictures of yourself in the bathroom mirror let’s everyone know you are A. a tool B. have way too much time on your hands and C. you’re a loser.
4. Use the Like Button Way too Much
Everyone hits the like button every now and then, it’s a decent little feature. It’s not a decent little feature when you hit the like button on every single thing ever posted on facebook. “My dog just got hit by a car and got both his legs amputated and is now in a wheel chair.” LIKE BUTTON. Why do you like that you sicko and why can you not just write a comment. Stop being so lazy and actually give a little more intel on the subject you like so much.
3. Are A Member of Over 200 Groups
The group feature is nice on Facebook as it let’s people who share a common interest collectively share thoughts and information regarding their passion of the subject. When you are part of 7 thousand groups you are doing nothing more than being a group whore. Take a look at your groups you have joined and see if they are really something you want to be a part of. When I see a notification that in one day you joined “I Love Slores”, “Fans of School Chicken Patties” and “I wear shirts sometimes” (all real groups) I can assume you need to join a group for losers.
2. Promote For a Club or Bar
Everyone loves bars and clubs, everyone hates the guy/girl who promotes for bars and clubs. If you like a place, and want to let people know about it, tell them in person, and maybe give a shout out about an event from time to time. When you send out 8 club promotions a day it just gets down right ridiculous and rude. Don’t you realize not a single person looks at these club events and says “Wow awesome Club Bliss is having a top-hat party and the world renowned “DJ Play My Ipod Playlist” is spinning, I’m definitely going.” Is the free $10 dollar cover and free Bud Light drafts really worth your friends hating being friends with you on facebook? Get a real job and stop being a loser.
1. You Play Farmville
At first it was Mafia Wars which is still being played by the mass population of losers out there, you just requested help in Cuba with the Arrange A New York Drug Shipment job, thanks yea I’ll definitely help…not. Now the big thing sweeping the loser nation is Farmville. You’re playing Farmville, seriously come on. When you let everyone know you just completed level 1 of Grapes mastery in FarmVille you are sending out your loser notification to the world. It’s not even like you’re playing a game that you get to be something out of the ordinary like a gangster (that’s why I give Mafia Wars somewhat of a pass), an alien killer, or master wizard, no no you get to live the life of a fucking farmer. If you actually play a game that you’re mission is to plant corn and plow fields of grain then you really have lost a grip on reality and have fell off the deep end.
There are certain things in this world that rub me the wrong way. This week I’m sharing my pet peeves, fears, and situations that make me downright paranoid. These are the things that make me cringe when I’m stuck with my own disturbing thoughts. I’m sure some of the themes and situations will make you ask, “Really?” Others however, I’m sure you’ll be able to relate to.
I’ve always had a hard time shitting in public bathrooms. I’ll do it if I’m about to Dumb and Dumber Harry Dunne my pants, but those times are rare. It all started when I walked by a Port-A-John with the words “Hot Lunch” spray painted on the side of it with a ghoulish gray shit color. It stopped me in my tracks as it forced one of the worst visuals I’ve ever assembled in my head. All I could think of was school cafeteria chicken patty topped with mashed potatoes covered in gravy marinating in blue shaded piss at the bottom of the trench. Imagine that splash back.
Lately, even pissing in public cesspools has become a real problem. The Port Authority bus station has scarred me forever. Most of us are familiar with the stable of bums that call the Port Authority home. For those of you who aren’t abreast with this lovely hobo sanctuary, picture the Thriller video after Mike turns into a zombie and the choreography stops. Many of these homeless folks, without makeup, look like the extras that chased that hot mocha piece to the abandoned house that led to her doom. It is apparent that Thriller zombies made their way to Manhattan and now pan handle while you’re trying to get the paper in the morning. Bums like to sleep in the bathrooms because the stall feature allows them to sleep in accommodations you’d find at your local Motel 6.
If you score a touchdown in any type of football game have it be the NFL or your back yard you have to put on a show to rub it in the opponents face. I don’t even really play football that much anymore, but when I get on the field for a pick up game trust me, I have dances that would make Michael Jackson look like an infant. Here are the top 5 celebrations we have gathered for you. Please take note that we could have easily dedicated this whole post to Chad Johnson but we wanted to shake it up a bit.
5. Rocket The Ball Into A Ref’s Balls Celebration
4. Ocho Cinco River Dance Celebration
I recently read a Newsweek article entitled ‘A Path to Downward Mobility’. The quote that grabbed my attention read, “Every generation of Americans should live better than its predecessor. That’s Americans’ core definition of economic progress. But for today’s young, it may be a mirage.” Basically, my generation will be the first to be less successful than our parents. The article blamed things like increasing energy prices, stretched governments at all levels squeezing future disposable incomes, and pricey public services. However, I’m taking a different approach. Generation Whatever the Fuck, fucking sucks. I actually had to look up what generation I am a part of. It turns out I belong to Generation Y. Doesn’t really have the same ring to it as Generation X or the Baby Boomers. I don’t find it surprising Y sucks considering I’m too lazy to even put sheets on my bed. Everyday I wake up drooling on a bare, twin size mattress perched on the bottom half of a former bunk bed set. When I wake up on drunken mornings I know I’ve made it home safely if I see my signed Patrick Ewing Jersey I pissed $600 away for staring back at me. Sorry car payments and student loans, I had to have memorabilia from the eleventh best center of all time take up the entire wall facing my bed.
Living at home again after being away from college is a tough reality to swallow. When I was in high school, I thought a light bulb would go off in my head when I was in college that said, “OK it’s time to grow up.” That realization has yet to come. I can’t make a decision for the life of me. However, one of the few things I do know is that if I take a slam pig home, I can’t let Oinky see my limited edition silkscreen Arcade Fire concert posters hanging above my clown light switch from 1986. My generation is the type that when we want to class things up a bit, we will bring girls into our parents’ beds. Nothing says “I love you Mom” more than leaving a puddle of millions of potential grand kids for her to stew in. We are inconsiderate, indecisive pussies. We just aren’t as tough as our predecessors.