I have always been a fan of rating things. I like to call out my favorites, and let people know why. Last week I picked my top 5 fantasy basketballers from movieland, and drafted one unstoppable squad. This week, I will try and top that feat by mocking up another draft.
Tomorrow I will be entering a flip cup tournament in Hoboken, NJ. For those of you who dont know what flip cup is, stop reading, put your head down, and sprint full speed into a urinal. You are a loser. Flip cup, also know as boat races, is when 2 teams line up, with an equal amount of players, on opposite sides of a table. Each person has a cup with an equal amount of beer. Someone says go, and the person at the end of the table drinks their beer as fast as possible, then tries to flip the cup, using the tips of his fingers, until it lands upside down. When it does, the next guy can go, and so on and so forth until the last person has finish. My squad tomorrow is solid, and I expect nothing short of taking first and heading to Baltimore Maryland for the world series of Flip cup, but I got to thinking, how can my squad be even stronger. The following are my top 5 draft picks for my fantasy drinking squad.
Coming in at number one, is without a doubt, my main man, The Young Einstein, played by Yahoo Serious. Lets get real for a second. If I am putting together a team, whos sole responsibility and number on objective is to drink beer, and to do it fast, Im going to want the guy who fucking invented beer on my team. Young Einstein worked day and night to split an atom, and in the process, created the recipe for beer. So this is an obvious no brainer for me, this dude has been putting away the suds for litterally longer than anyone else in history, so he has a clear cut advantage, and his tolerance has to be extreamly high, which puts him at a huge advantage in the later rounds. Ohh yeah, he also invented Rock N Roll. Which will also come in handy when we take down the crown.
“Lets chug beers and shred the guitar”
My next pick is the most important. With Einstein leading off the team, and acting as captain, I need a henchman, a foot soilder, a warrior. I need someone whos entire attitude is murk beers, all day, every day, and let everything else work itself out. We all have that one friend who never knows when to quit. Who pounds beers until they are 100% blacked out, but still manage to muster up the energy to crack another cold one. With the second pick in this draft, I pick Bluto from Animal House. Does anymore really need to be said? This guy is every college students idol. His entire life revolved around beers, and for that, he is our 2nd round foot soilder. This guy will go to war with a 30 pack, and either come out on top, or die trying, and thats all I can ask of our team.
“fuck music, lets turbo murk beers”
The third spot in the line up is tricky. You need someone who is calm, but also has the ability to turn it on if we are down. The obvious selction for the third spot in our line up is non other than The Dude. I know what your thinking, The Dude drinks white russians, not beers. But hold on a second. Think about what you are saying. The Dude drinks vodka and milk, Im sure he can handle a few mouth fulls of beer. His attitude makes him the perfect middleman for our team. He is calm enough to not be rattled if we are a bit behind, but he possesses the alcoholic gene with allows him to turn it on and up and any given moment. We salute you Dude.
Next is the gamble pick. Willie, from Bad Santa is such a drunk he cant even manage to get to work and play Santa for the kids. He gets so tuned up, he cant stand the look a fake Donkey is giving him, and so he does what any self respecting drunk would do, destroy it and its Donkey friend in a matter of seconds. Id also like to point out that his friend the midget, Marcus will be acting as team coach. He drops some amazing lines at the end of this clip. He will certainly be an advantage, as he will undoubtably be getting into the heads of our comp.
“In case you havent noticed, im 3 feet mother fuckin tall”
Rounding out the roster for Team Wolf Den/Shark Tank is the one and only Drugs Delanie. Drugs hails from Providence, RI, and for anyone on the East coast, you know what a shithole that place is. If you grow in in Providence, you better be good at partying, or the wolves will get you. Drugs’ main strength is in the drugs (obviously) but he is known to get cocked on a bottle of blackberry brandy. Drugs takes the roll of anchor because he is everything that you can ask for in a team player. Focuses entirly on getting the job done. Drafting drugs is also a bit of a gamble because he is know to sometimes take his drug use to the extream. He has also been dead for sometime, so expecting him to contribute right away is a long shot. He will most likly turn it on in the later rounds, so dont expect him to pull out any close ones that come down to the wire. With the rest of the team operating as one unit, I dont see Drugs having anything less that at least a 2 person lead going into the final cup.
“Whats your problem Delainy?”
” IM TOTALLY FUCKED, MANNNN”
Wish us luck, Wolf Den/ Shark tank will be doing its best to win the Hoboken leg of the circuit and in doing so, will be on their way to Charm City to take on the best the East Coast has to offer. I will report back next week with our final standing, and an update on how the newly drafted Shark members did in their first outting as a unit.
So you may or may not be familiar with the “The Face”. If you’re not then I recommend you begin using it immediately. It’s very similar to do doing the old “bunny ears” to people you are taking a picture with. Actually only in general concept, it’s wayyyyyyyyyyyyy more intense. Now don’t get it wrong, it does NOT involve making a funny face, the only face acceptable is the one that makes you look like you are trying to make yourself projectile vomit while looking straight ahead. It’s good fun for goofing on friends but even more fun to show your disgust with total strangers. This girl was having awsome “look at me!!” moment, so she thought. In reality she was getting straight served with “The Face”
Growing up an athlete, and a super fine one at that, I have always been a fan of sports movies. Especially ones with heros that are quiet underdogs. This morning, I got to thinking, If I was to comprise an allstar team of the greatest sports movies athletes, who would I want on my squad. Alot of things come into play. Size, speed, determination, work ethic, and of course, the ability to be showtime at any given moment.
Going first round, without a doubt in my mind is Earl “The Goat” Manigault. Hailing from Harlem, this kid was born with the kind of toughness that can not be taught. At 6’1, he is a sleeper, but get him in the open court, and its showtime all day everyday. Legend has it he could pick dollar bills off the top of the backboard, and make change on the way down. This would account for a 60+ inch vert, which is pretty unreal when you think about it. He was famous for his double dunk which I can’t even imagine a modern day baller pulling off. What also makes the Goat a solid draft choice is he was never blinded by the light of fame, only the Heroin. He passed on roughly 75 big time scholerships, to ill in his old hood and hustle for drugs. He still goes number 1 because I think having that kinda of un tamed edge is important to build a squad around, and its comforting to know that he can not be compromised by big time agents.
Coming in at number 2 is undoubably the one and only Teenwolf. I base this pick based purely on intimidation factor. The Wolf has an appearance that has never been seen before on the hardwood. He tends to beast out and his eyes turn red when he gets in the zone, surely a daunting task for any defender. The Wolf is a little rough around the edges, and still needs to understand the concept of team ball, but with help, him and The Goat make up one unstoppable backcourt, also it keeps with animal nicknames, which is kinda cool.
Dog groom this suckkaaa
With the backcourt set, I turn my attention to the Center position. When trying to look for the skills needed to fill this roll, I look for 3 main factors. Size, Power, and Touch. 1 player comes to mind. Neon Boudreaux. Standing 7 foot 1, and coming in at roughly 300 pounds, there hasnt been a force like him, ever. Found in the deep Louisianna swamps, the only way to see Neon dominate the local competition is to take a boat into the unknown. After walking into the barn/basketball court, it is clear why Neon goes as the #1 big man. He attacks the basket with a furry never seen before, and seems to only be interested in one thing, punishing the goal. His main set back is that his brain has developed to that of an 8 year old. His SAT scores are so low he is not eligable for college ball, which is unreal based on the fact you get 500 points for spelling your name correctly. Ill give him a pass though, because spelling French last names is always a challenge. BUt lets face facts, were not building rockets, were dominating the hardwood, and for that, Neon gets an A+
I didnt know you spoke spanish
Now, on to the forwards. What more can be said about the position, you need it all. The ability to rebound, block shots, box out, score, assist, and mix it up with the likes of other truck like men who are only interested in inflicting pain on you in the trenches. This is where Saleh, from The Air up There comes in. Coming straight out of Africa, this guy has more raw talent than Neon. He plays on dirt courts, with no shoes, and is uninfluenced by the outside world. He also knows a thing or two about coming through in the cluth. In Africa, they play for more than a winning record, or money, they gamble entire towns. Think about that. If you fuck up, your whole town gets taken over by some outsiders. Try that on for size. But this is the kind of pressure Saleh revels in, and with the support of his new bff, Jimmy Dolan, the sky is the limit for this kid.
“pay attention hippo-breath”
Completing the squad is non other than Tommy Shepherd. Also hailing from the mecca of basketball, this small forward came equipt with all of the skills needed to make him an grade A bluechip. He could shoot, power you down low, and even run the break. Drafting him is a bit of a gamble, based on the fact he is a little unstable mentally. He watched his best friend Nutso fall 10 stories to his death when he slapped the backboard, broke it, and went over the edge. 2 questions about this. 1) Where are there basketball hoops on building roof tops, and 2) how fucking strong was this Nutso character. To BREAK a backboard by slapping it? WOW. If he was still alive, he would finalize the roster, but hes not, so Shep gets the nod. He seems to come around after mentoring the troubled Kyle Watson, and with the Goat on the team, im sure Shep will have his hands full mentoring that drug riddled addict back to health.
“Its more then a game to the Shep”