It’s the weekend baby and it wouldn’t be a Friday night if you weren’t incredibly inebriated and on the verge of getting a record-breaking 10th DUI. But how did you get from your depressing cubicle to this high-speed car chase? We’ve cracked the code to figuring out how you went from slowly sipping a beer to walking around the bar drinking the bar’s signature tornado-tini out of a cowboy boot.

1. Sober
All you wanted to do tonight was go home, catch up on your NSFW links, and fall asleep. But your stupid friends dragged you out to happy hour. But seriously, you’re just having one drink and going home. And your friends are crazy if they think you’re going to laugh at their jokes and engage in polite conversation.

2. Buzzed
You know what? It’s Friday night and it’s kinda stupid to leave the bar now that your beer goggles are just getting into focus. Why not order a few more beers, take a couple shots, and find out just how drunk you have to be to willingly take home your morbidly obese co-worker that likes you.

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Times have changed there is no question about that, some for the good and some for the bad. Here is a visual representation of the comedy behind the changes from past to present. A lot has changed but I am glad when I am at a bar getting drunk and someone screams out, “Kamikazesssssssssss” that there isn’t 500 Japanese airplanes about to blast into the building I am in.

more past vs present examples below
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‘Tis the season to get wasted. It’s the time of parties and consequently, a ton of booze coming in a range of delicious traditional and festive forms. Guzzle up and avoid making these potentially catastrophic decisions while feeling warm and full of holiday beer, er, cheer, ahh fuck I’m drunk at work again.

8 Signing up for a credit card

Over-sized stadiums are the perfect places for credit card companies to find their prey. “Want this Bears beach towel — even though it’s shitty and it’ll be negative eleven degrees outside for the next three months? Sign up for a credit card! All you have to do is give me your autograph!” Jot down your info and get prepped to be bombarded with junk mail, phone calls, and mysterious statements for your foreseeable future.
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With cars and airplanes and iPhones, it seems that the world we live in just keeps getting better and brighter (with the exception of a fledgling world economy, countries with less of a GNP than Apple, adult onset diabetes, cancer, US magazine, Swine Flu, etc.). But that’s not always the case when you really think about it. Sure, we don’t have to worry about the plague or invading Mongols, but sometimes I wish I did when compared to these tortuous modern activities.

7 Getting waited on at the Verizon store

Look, I know everybody has cell phones. I still can’t figure out how a company can have five stores in a three-mile radius and I still have to take a number and wait a half an hour before I can go through the long and complicated process of upgrading my phone without mysteriously having to update my current contract another seven years. I think you do it on purpose, Verizon.

That’s why while you’re taking your sweet time waiting on the blonde in the mini-skirt, I have gone around to every individual phone in your store set the alarms. The first five phones go off in increments of one minute. Then five minutes later another bank of phones go off in the same increments as the first group of phones. I leave the next bank with the alarms off to give you a false sense of security. And then two minutes later — all the alarms on the rest of the phones in the store go off at the same time.

6 Trying to leave the parking lot after a sporting event or concert
traffic jam

Is there anything more arduous and lawless than having than having to leave a professional sporting event race thousands of other people like out of a sports arena to a chilly car while crawling though hordes of ecstatic drunk people that you wish you were drunk as, but you’re too busy trying to escape the abyss of red lights and douchebags in Hummers cutting you off. And if you’re lucky enough to be driving a car full of people who are drunk and are screaming in your ear about going to Waffle House…this is why cabs were invented, guy. And don’t be afraid to make anyone walk home.
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Like always click image to enlarge.

Let me start off with saying I hate Starbucks more then any human on Earth can hate Starbucks, I’ll leave it at that before I pop a blood vessel just thinking about the losers that go into those shitholes. So anywayyyyyyy believe it or not but the drink you order at your local Starbucks says a lot about who is actually ordering it. Some might call this racist or classist or sexist, but I like to think it only further enhances Starbucks’ “speed with service” mentality, by knowing exactly what the person is going to order as soon as they walk through the door. Here are how your typical drinks and buyers break down.

French Vanilla Cappuccino

If you order this, you’re probably:

White trash.

What your barista is really thinking:

This person has no idea what they really just ordered and will be back in five minutes saying, “This doesn’t taste the same way as the one at the Shell station.”

Continue reading the list below
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Charles Bronson, one of the most bad ass actors of all time, doing his daily duty to America, killing hipsters on the reg. “Turn that down hipster, no one wants to here your playlist.”

It blows my mind the amount of time and creativity people spend on make shift fixing things instead of just getting them professionally fixed or better yet just buying a new one. You have to applaud these people for thinking outside the box to get their things to work but when you are taping razors to plastic forks it makes you wonder why the heck they cant spend the 3 dollars on an actual razor from K-Mart. You can see more red neck fixes at the website dedicated to just that found here.

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I’m surprised I survived the 1990’s. I was small and fragile and looking back at the toys…I can’t believe that at some point someone didn’t need my dental records and an eyewitness account to identify me. I was young and naïve and bleeding a good portion of the time. Yeah, mostly bleeding. I had a daunting sense of adventure; made worse by the fact that I was armed with some of the most dangerous toys in the history of time.

“Helmets? We don’t need no stinking helmets!”

Actually, we probably did…

10 Pogo Balls

Now these toys may seem innocuous and fairly safe, but that was only if you used them correctly. I know of maybe 3 people who actually did. They were pretty boring if you didn’t find clever new ways to play with them. In a time of skateboards their were ramps and in the time of pogo balls there were roofs (more on this later). When friends weren’t trying to find the maximum height they could jump from in which these things would stay intact, they were using them indoors. That was where the danger really stemmed from. Pogo Balling was only fun if you had an obstacle course and limited space; only indoor Pogo Balling seemed challenging.

Talk about a bull in a china shop? More like Courtney Love at the Waterford Crystal factory after a bottle of Stoli and a handful of Xanax. You could go one, maybe two rounds before breaking something expensive (like a vase or an arm), so you had to make those runs count. And when you did, you often counted out allowance money afterwords to help pay for the damages. Stupid Pogo Balls…

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