Women have a weird way of saying one thing and meaning something completely different, so I think it would be beneficial to give our readers a head sup, because if you are not careful you can think you are doing everything right, when in actuality you are in a shitstorm.

1) Fine
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2) Five Minutes
If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3) Nothing
This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4) Go Ahead
This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

5) Loud Sigh
This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot
and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6) That’s Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before
deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7) Thanks
A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you’re welcome. (I want to add in a clause here – This is true, unless she says ‘Thanks a lot’ – that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say ‘you’re welcome’ . that will bring on a ‘whatever’).

8 ) Whatever
Is a woman’s way of saying F– YOU!

9) Don’t worry about it, I got it
Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This
will later result in a man asking ‘What’s wrong?’ For the woman’s response refer to #3.

Women say a lot with their underwear. Unfortunately, they say a lot with their mouths, too. KIDDING! Back to the underpants. If you’re not familiar with women’s underwear, this guide is meant to help you out. All of us here at Zoot are total Casanova’s (and/or laundry thieves) so we were easily able to pool our weekend research and come up with a handy list of what a woman’s undergarments are trying to tell you. They’re listed in a kind of handy relationship timeline. Follow along closely, virgins.

G-String

Congratulations, you bagged a stripper. I’ve only ever seen a pair of these on a woman twice, and both times, I spent all my money. Chances are, when you take a woman home and she’s wearing a pair of these, she’ll tell you “I don’t normally do this”. She’s lying. Follow through, but be careful. If you’re nice to her, or just the right kind of mean, you’ll get to see her in a thong.

Thong

You’ve gone just beyond booty call and now you’re the most frequently dialed number in her phone after midnight. These say “Treat me like we’re in a cinemax movie.” These don’t get frequent play, because they look only slightly more comfortable than the aforementioned vagina-floss style panties.

Continue the panty timeline below

Bikini

You’ve probably met her parents, or one of her sons that this point. If you’re not the relationship type, and she starts wearing these to bed with you, get out now! You’re about to start appearing in her facebook pictures that are captioned with hearts and shitty song lyrics.

Classic Briefs

Pure and easy, everyday type of underwear. The kind a lady buys at Old Navy, or Target. Maybe Wal-mart, depending on how low you’re willing to sink. These are the kind of drawls that you probably won’t get to see too often, unless you have a female roommate, or you’re in the first year of a steady relationship. These don’t say much, except “I’m comfortable and I know you’re too timid and complacent to cheat on me. I’ll wear these underwear around you, because I think you’re great and our sexual flame is fading fast.”

Control Briefs

You’re screwed, buddy. At this point, you had at least better be on her insurance, because you’re getting nothing physical, and possibly emotional, out of this relationship. Next stop: bloomerville. These are like panties from the days of yore. This is some Colonial Williamsburg shit right here. You’d better develop a granny fetish, fast, if you wanna keep your love alive. But if you’d made it this far, congrats. You’re either madly in love, or your Oedipus complex is stronger than you thought.

To re-cap:

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