I can still remember being a little boy sitting in church and being absolutely shocked at what was coming out of the priest’s mouth. The most disturbing part of mass was when it came time for the Eucharist. When I heard that he was turning the wine into blood and the bread into Jesus’ body, I leaned over to my mom and said, “Drink my blood, eat my body, he’s kidding, right mom?” What kind of sick dog and pony show is this guy trying to run here? The next Sunday I was placed into pre-school CCD. Only two types of kids go to CCD before kindergarten, either Ned Flanders types or little heathens. I was in the latter category. However, I’ve grown to have a great deal of respect for religion in general.

If used properly, there is no better moral guide than religion. It doesn’t matter if your Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Buddhist, a die hard Kiss fan, or a scientologist; the message is quite similar. Simply live a clean honest life and be good to one’s neighbor. These two concepts pretty much wrap up every religion into one Voltron of morality. However, the more I learn about the history of the Catholic Church, the more disgusted I get. It wasn’t very Jesus-like for two separate popes to spring up and have wars against each other to see who the true WWF World Pope champion was at SummerSlam 1013. It is also disappointing to read about different pope’s sons warring over inheritances. As you know, even priests, let alone popes, can’t even jerk off, let alone have a couple of strapping pope spawned warlords. However, when push comes to shove I don’t want to change my religion because Catholicism is the original Christian religion. There’s so much rich history no matter how shitty some of it is.


I use the same philosophy in my religious alliance as I do with sports. I stick with the Yankees, Giants, Knicks, and Rangers because they are the original teams in the greater New York area. For example, just because A-Rod frosts his hair and stuck large needles full of juice into his ass doesn’t mean I have to hate the Yankees. I take the good, the bad, and the ugly. Some priests goosed some kids, and they should be put in jail so they can be anally shadow puppet goosed themselves, maybe shadow puppet butterflied in due time. Despite this, I’m not going to become a Lutheran/Mets fan. Not even if Jeter fondled a bat boy on the steps of the Sistine Chapel.

Religious fundamentalists are truly threatening the existence of this entire planet. My sister is very religious and attends various retreats. She was planning to go on one of these Camp Anawanna’s for Christ (still haven’t confirmed if Donkey Lips or Bobby Budnick attended) and got sick right before she was about to go. The creep running the retreat told her that she was not actually sick but that Satan was trying to stop her from going on the trip. What kind of mead are you drinking you medieval psycho? My sister ended up going, but I’m surprised my sister came back alive. I thought they were going to try the old witch water test on her. Sink and die, not a witch. Float and live, taken out of the water and hung. Good times. I’m glad that Dark Age logic has found a place for itself in the 21st century. Sponge would have devised a plan to nip this craziness in the bud if a fundamentalist Ug pulled this shit on Z.Z., that’s all I’m saying.

How do we know if Jesus has already come back to Earth? My theory is that no one would believe Jesus if he actually came back to Earth. If he performed some miracles we’d think it was some kind of David Blaine magic trick. People would argue over whether Jesus’ miracles on youtube were edited or if any special effects were used. I personally have heard about 10 bums tell me they’re Jesus. Some of them even look like Jesus 2000+ years ago. Even if you were living 2,000 years ago would you believe a 35 year old Jewish carpenter living with his parents who goes to weddings as his mom’s date was the son of God? I’m not sure. All i know is that Jesus II better not be the bum shitting between subway cars because I was way off.