By now I am sure you have heard that the man with the golden voice, Ted Williams, is in rehab after a domestic altercation in Vegas with his daughter, and then admitting he had still been drinking heavily. The whole “I’ve been clean for 2 years” thing was complete bullshit. Which brings something to my attention. Yea the guy had a nice voice, but why the hell did all of the American public actually believe a bum? Just goes to show you never trust a homeless dude, they are dirty liars. Sorry I’m being mean but a guy who left his family, wife and 9 kids, and never to pay child support, hospital bills, or even talk to them in 20 years is a disgrace. This guy doesn’t deserve to get all smiles and a pat on the back. So here is his collection of mugshots, what the hell is up with the one he is wearing a doctor mask?
So Christmas might be over, but that doesn’t mean you can’t still drink your face off with some holiday spirit cocktails. If you’re looking for a unique cocktail to help spread a little holiday cheer, I’ve got a baker’s dozen worth of truly different drinks from Maker’s Mark, Tabasco, Nightclub and Bar Magazine, and 1800 Tequila. All guaranteed to deck your halls and jingle your… stockings.
Created by Chef Blythe Beck Executive Chef, Central 214 at the Hotel Palomar in Dallas
1 quart egg nog
1 cup cream
2 cups Maker’s Mark
2 cups vanilla ice cream
1 tablespoon vanilla extract
Ground nutmeg for dusting
Combine all liquid ingredients in blender. Blend until smooth. Pour in glass and dust with nutmeg.
A Ton more of holiday cocktails below
It’s the weekend baby and it wouldn’t be a Friday night if you weren’t incredibly inebriated and on the verge of getting a record-breaking 10th DUI. But how did you get from your depressing cubicle to this high-speed car chase? We’ve cracked the code to figuring out how you went from slowly sipping a beer to walking around the bar drinking the bar’s signature tornado-tini out of a cowboy boot.
All you wanted to do tonight was go home, catch up on your NSFW links, and fall asleep. But your stupid friends dragged you out to happy hour. But seriously, you’re just having one drink and going home. And your friends are crazy if they think you’re going to laugh at their jokes and engage in polite conversation.
You know what? It’s Friday night and it’s kinda stupid to leave the bar now that your beer goggles are just getting into focus. Why not order a few more beers, take a couple shots, and find out just how drunk you have to be to willingly take home your morbidly obese co-worker that likes you.
‘Tis the season to get wasted. It’s the time of parties and consequently, a ton of booze coming in a range of delicious traditional and festive forms. Guzzle up and avoid making these potentially catastrophic decisions while feeling warm and full of holiday beer, er, cheer, ahh fuck I’m drunk at work again.
8 Signing up for a credit card
Over-sized stadiums are the perfect places for credit card companies to find their prey. “Want this Bears beach towel — even though it’s shitty and it’ll be negative eleven degrees outside for the next three months? Sign up for a credit card! All you have to do is give me your autograph!” Jot down your info and get prepped to be bombarded with junk mail, phone calls, and mysterious statements for your foreseeable future.
So you think you know this girl? You’ve met her friends, watched movies together, hung out and talked for hours. You’ve shown your sensitive side. Forget Facebook, her tweets, her diary, all her IMs. Forget music, her favorite movie, the books she’s read. They don’t mean dawk. The only truth is the almighty shot. Seek and you shall shoot.
On the surface she’s milky innocence, but something much more explosive lies just beneath. She has a bazooka strapped to her thigh, a Glock between her legs, a stiletto holstered at her waist. She’s a dangerous mountain road, slippery when wet.
more shots below
I’ve always wanted to brew or make my own alcohol, but for some reason filling up a bath tub with potatoes and whatever else you need to make moonshine doesn’t fly to well. Besides that and the weeks for it to ferment tends to be a little annoying and to be honest I’m not that big of an alcoholic to go through that song and dance. That is where Spike Your Juice comes in. Simply grab yourself a 64 oz. bottle of juice, dump in one of the six included yeast packets, pop on the airlock, and wait. In 48 hours or so, you’ll have your own homemade hooch with an alcohol content of up to 14 percent. I can’t wait to do this to the community orange juice in my office and have my co-workers completely clueless on why they are shitfaced. The best thing is a package of 6 packets will only run you $9.99 and you can buy it here, merry drinking.
By now you obviously know that the Onion is a fake news station, but their stuff is golden. There latest report explains how the majority of Americans get most of their exercise while drunk, and it actually makes a lot of sense. When you’re shitfaced you tend to dance like an animal thinking your moves are Michael Jacksonish, you do pull up and push up contests in the street, and in general run around like an idiot. Just about every time I am on the subway coming home from New York chances are there is at least one drunk douche doing pull ups while bombed, usually it’s one of my friends.
What I would ever need to carry 12 beers strapped to my chest like Rambo is beyond me, but I don’t think that far ahead, I want this thing. There are 12 insulated holsters and each one holds a single 12-ounce can. I guess next time you’re tailgating, camping or attending a BYOB party you can avoid those long, thirsty walks back to the cooler or the fridge by keeping a plethora of your favorite canned beers right on your chest. Warning: Wearing this holster may result in your friends using you as a human pack mule that exclusively carries beer. You can buy it here for $29.95
* Capacity: (12) 12 oz cans
* Adjustable waist belt fits waist (or belly) 28” to 42”
If there is one thing that we truly excel at, it’s drinking. America may not be at the top of the list of Most Drunk Countries right now but that’s only because we’re all seasoned enough to not kick the bucket from something named waragi and the World Health Organization data doesn’t factor in American creativity, thirst, and complete lack of shame. Here’s some of the ways we use our best qualities to their greatest effect – getting absolutely shitfaced in public. Click on the title of each product to buy.
1. Wine Rack – $30
Do we really need to explain why a miracle bra made of booze is awesome? At least by the end of the night you’ll be so smashed from drinking from her cans that you won’t feel so lied to.
2. Kooler Club – $50
Fastest way to improve your golf game? Screw golf lessons, and adjust your buddies BAC. Guaranteed to bring a hole in one to accessible levels. But only on the course, you’re not Tiger Woods.
Does your life revolve around where to go for drinks immediately after you get off work? Well, you could probably stand to find yourself a hobby, and you’ll more than likely enjoy the Happy Hour Watch ($50). Featuring a Japanese quartz movement for the analog face that sports only one hour marker — we’ll let you guess which one — a digital time and date readout, an alloy case, and a wide black band, the real draw of this timepiece is the patented Happy Hour bottle-opening buckle, which lets you commence drinking before you even arrive at your preferred post-work watering hole, saving you a few extra bucks that you can put towards your inevitable future stay in an alcohol treatment program.