lately I have been getting more and more frustrated with Facebook due to the overwhelming barrage of garbage posted every two seconds. It is slowly turning into a spam filled heap of shit, with the help of power losers who support all this crazy nonsense. It is about time people are informed of all the things they do on Facebook that show everyone how big of a loser they are, so in a way I am just trying to help people, because that’s the kind of guy I am. If you partake in any of these crimes listed below you seriously need to slow down, take a deep breathe, and re-evaluate life.

O, thanks Kyle, now I can go on with my day.

7. Change Your Status Every 13 Minutes
There are many types of status changers that result in nothing more than people thinking you are a giant loser. One type is the guy/girl who writes subliminal messages to attract a guy or a girl when in reality it is making you look like an obsessed “swim-fan” weirdo. The ultimate loser status updater is the twat who thinks he or she is god’s gift to all humans and feels the need to let everyone know what they are doing at all times. I don’t care if you are chewing gum on your couch watching Grey’s Anatomy. Stop being an arrogant attention craving ass, and get out for a change, you’re not a celebrity, no one cares. The status updates that, by far are the worst, is when someone leaves a 5 paragraph song quote, reciting some depressing sappy love song. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, step out from behind the cyber space wall and actually tell whoever you’re thinking about how you feel, it will save you a lot of time when you the person tells you flat out that you are a creep and want nothing to do with you.

Additional information the poke button should come with

6. Poke People
Are you really using the “poke” button to get a guy/girl’s attention? I’ve used the poke button purely as a joke, but some people actually think this is a way of telling someone they are interested. If you for a second think by poking someone isn’t creepy/immature/ridiculous/ boarder line in danger of getting a restraining order slapped on your ass, you need to look yourself in the mirror and get a clue.

At least flush the shit down the toilet before you snap your model pics

5. Mobile Upload Pictures Taken of Yourself in the Bathroom With Your Iphone
I don’t know what the thinking behind this heinous act entails. What I do know is they have this crazy gadget called a camera and you use it to take pictures. If you don’t have a single friend in the world that can take a picture of you, maybe you should stop taking pictures of yourself in a dirty bathroom and get out and find a friend. If you want to show off your new cool cellphone then you’re living in 1996, because even my 7 year old cousin has an Iphone and it’s not something to really brag about anymore. Taking model-esque pictures of yourself in the bathroom mirror let’s everyone know you are A. a tool B. have way too much time on your hands and C. you’re a loser.

Really Derek? Really?

4. Use the Like Button Way too Much
Everyone hits the like button every now and then, it’s a decent little feature. It’s not a decent little feature when you hit the like button on every single thing ever posted on facebook. “My dog just got hit by a car and got both his legs amputated and is now in a wheel chair.” LIKE BUTTON. Why do you like that you sicko and why can you not just write a comment. Stop being so lazy and actually give a little more intel on the subject you like so much.

Yes you should leave this group, like now.

3. Are A Member of Over 200 Groups
The group feature is nice on Facebook as it let’s people who share a common interest collectively share thoughts and information regarding their passion of the subject. When you are part of 7 thousand groups you are doing nothing more than being a group whore. Take a look at your groups you have joined and see if they are really something you want to be a part of. When I see a notification that in one day you joined “I Love Slores”, “Fans of School Chicken Patties” and “I wear shirts sometimes” (all real groups) I can assume you need to join a group for losers.

2. Promote For a Club or Bar
Everyone loves bars and clubs, everyone hates the guy/girl who promotes for bars and clubs. If you like a place, and want to let people know about it, tell them in person, and maybe give a shout out about an event from time to time. When you send out 8 club promotions a day it just gets down right ridiculous and rude. Don’t you realize not a single person looks at these club events and says “Wow awesome Club Bliss is having a top-hat party and the world renowned “DJ Play My Ipod Playlist” is spinning, I’m definitely going.” Is the free $10 dollar cover and free Bud Light drafts really worth your friends hating being friends with you on facebook? Get a real job and stop being a loser.

1. You Play Farmville
At first it was Mafia Wars which is still being played by the mass population of losers out there, you just requested help in Cuba with the Arrange A New York Drug Shipment job, thanks yea I’ll definitely help…not. Now the big thing sweeping the loser nation is Farmville. You’re playing Farmville, seriously come on. When you let everyone know you just completed level 1 of Grapes mastery in FarmVille you are sending out your loser notification to the world. It’s not even like you’re playing a game that you get to be something out of the ordinary like a gangster (that’s why I give Mafia Wars somewhat of a pass), an alien killer, or master wizard, no no you get to live the life of a fucking farmer. If you actually play a game that you’re mission is to plant corn and plow fields of grain then you really have lost a grip on reality and have fell off the deep end.

I guess it’s nice to let people know you like what they are doing, but sometimes it just gets a little awkward. Here are some prime examples of the beauty of the “Like” button on Facebook. P.S. If Zuckerberg doesn’t come out with the “Does Not Like” button soon I’m going to create it myself.

Bonus Facebook girl getting owned by boss.

Not that Facebook needs to do anything less than exist in order to out compete Twitter.  I mean seriously, 60% of twitter users drop it within a month and it only works as a marketing tool for celebs.  Twitter is set to be the next Friendster and out of our lives within 2 years.  But in the fast pace world of online advertising facebook had to do something just to ensure they destroy twitter.  Some of you may have noticed a new search functionality on FB yesterday.  In short, you can now search all of facebook as well as just your network ” the Everyone filter”. Go search something on FB you’ll see what I’m talking about it. Now you can follow everything just like Twitter, hooray! syke who cares.

Facebook also just acquired FriendFreed last week. FriendFeed boasts all the big engineer guns from Google Maps and the point is to connect all a users social media in one place. Just think your twitter, facebook, myspace, adult friend finder, all in one place. Your head would fucking explode! But not from information probably cause your ego is too big!