It’s the weekend baby and it wouldn’t be a Friday night if you weren’t incredibly inebriated and on the verge of getting a record-breaking 10th DUI. But how did you get from your depressing cubicle to this high-speed car chase? We’ve cracked the code to figuring out how you went from slowly sipping a beer to walking around the bar drinking the bar’s signature tornado-tini out of a cowboy boot.
All you wanted to do tonight was go home, catch up on your NSFW links, and fall asleep. But your stupid friends dragged you out to happy hour. But seriously, you’re just having one drink and going home. And your friends are crazy if they think you’re going to laugh at their jokes and engage in polite conversation.
You know what? It’s Friday night and it’s kinda stupid to leave the bar now that your beer goggles are just getting into focus. Why not order a few more beers, take a couple shots, and find out just how drunk you have to be to willingly take home your morbidly obese co-worker that likes you.
Times have changed there is no question about that, some for the good and some for the bad. Here is a visual representation of the comedy behind the changes from past to present. A lot has changed but I am glad when I am at a bar getting drunk and someone screams out, “Kamikazesssssssssss” that there isn’t 500 Japanese airplanes about to blast into the building I am in.
more past vs present examples below
I think we have all played madden, and the first thing you usually do when picking a your team is check out the player ratings of your favorite players. Lately player rating have become really serious. Take for example the latest Tony Parker cheating scandal. EA Sports video game NBA 2k11 rated Parker’s loyalty at 87, after the cheating scandal EA updated Parker’s loyalty rating to a whopping 0, yes they gave him a 0 loyalty rating for fucking Brent Barry’s wife. I enjoy the realistic attention these ratings are getting but I think they should add in other player ratings for certain players, like these. (P.S. I’m a Redskins fan and I want to publically say, “Fuck you Fat Albert, I hate you and I want the 100 million dollars back our team gave you for playing like a fat retard and making our defense worse, thanks dude.”)
More truthful player ratings below
So we covered the original hover hand picture seen here if you missed it. The hover hand move is pretty much when a guy is to nervous to actual place his hand on the girl and let’s it hover her body awkwardly. It’s the only surefire way to tell if someone is actually a man… You see, a real man would place their hands on the velvety figure of a lady… But a virgin? They’d just have their hand hover awkwardly over the person they are taking a picture with. Hence forth… The hand hover. Here is a nice collection of the hover hand in action and they rule.
more nerdtastic hover hand moves below
The guys over at College Humor put together another hilarious video demonstrating a truthful advertisement for graduate school. With the job market the way it is tons of kids are coming out of college and going right back into school, mostly for the reason they can’t find a job. I have a ton of friends that are going to grad school now so I thought this was especially funny since the reasons given are mostly on point with my dead beat friends, so we present you the truth about grad school aka “Learn how to avoid the real world.”
‘Tis the season to get wasted. It’s the time of parties and consequently, a ton of booze coming in a range of delicious traditional and festive forms. Guzzle up and avoid making these potentially catastrophic decisions while feeling warm and full of holiday beer, er, cheer, ahh fuck I’m drunk at work again.
8 Signing up for a credit card
Over-sized stadiums are the perfect places for credit card companies to find their prey. “Want this Bears beach towel — even though it’s shitty and it’ll be negative eleven degrees outside for the next three months? Sign up for a credit card! All you have to do is give me your autograph!” Jot down your info and get prepped to be bombarded with junk mail, phone calls, and mysterious statements for your foreseeable future.
So you think you know this girl? You’ve met her friends, watched movies together, hung out and talked for hours. You’ve shown your sensitive side. Forget Facebook, her tweets, her diary, all her IMs. Forget music, her favorite movie, the books she’s read. They don’t mean dawk. The only truth is the almighty shot. Seek and you shall shoot.
On the surface she’s milky innocence, but something much more explosive lies just beneath. She has a bazooka strapped to her thigh, a Glock between her legs, a stiletto holstered at her waist. She’s a dangerous mountain road, slippery when wet.
more shots below
Let me start off with saying I hate Starbucks more then any human on Earth can hate Starbucks, I’ll leave it at that before I pop a blood vessel just thinking about the losers that go into those shitholes. So anywayyyyyyy believe it or not but the drink you order at your local Starbucks says a lot about who is actually ordering it. Some might call this racist or classist or sexist, but I like to think it only further enhances Starbucks’ “speed with service” mentality, by knowing exactly what the person is going to order as soon as they walk through the door. Here are how your typical drinks and buyers break down.
What your barista is really thinking:
This person has no idea what they really just ordered and will be back in five minutes saying, “This doesn’t taste the same way as the one at the Shell station.”
Continue reading the list below
It blows my mind the amount of time and creativity people spend on make shift fixing things instead of just getting them professionally fixed or better yet just buying a new one. You have to applaud these people for thinking outside the box to get their things to work but when you are taping razors to plastic forks it makes you wonder why the heck they cant spend the 3 dollars on an actual razor from K-Mart. You can see more red neck fixes at the website dedicated to just that found here.